With Tears Comes Loneliness
by HP.Surfer16
Summary: Unthinkable occurances happen in one dreadful night, leading one away for almost two years. How can being away from the place you called home for so long change your outlook on life. How can you learn to even forgive? How can you learn to love? Some MxZ
1. Home Is Where The Hate Is

**(A/N) This was originally in Zack's POV. But I decided against putting it in the first chapter, due to wanting it to be later in order to show more of his emotions. So if this has any first person POV in it then I am very sorry, I edited the best I could.**

Zack's breathing was ragged from the running, as he leaned against the painted wall of a run down building, in down town New York City. The building use to be an upscale hotel, much like the one he had come from, but soon turned into a place that housed many homeless men, women and children alike. Which is what he was. A homeless boy, soon to be a man.

He, Zack Martin. A homeless man. At age 16. No family. No friends. No one to love him. No doubt that someone did somewhere, but they are not with him. Not now. Not since he left. Not since that night he left _him_.

Zack let his muscles relax against the vandalized wall, which he had done myself. But he didn't call it vandalism, he called it art. Most people who saw it thought so, too. It was a mural. A mural of someone he left behind long ago. A mural of his past.

With his breathing finally in control, he pushed myself off of the side of the building and made his way down the back alley. It was a dark alley. Cliché, yes, but very true. Dumpsters didn't even inhabit the alley-which he now called his backyard-because no one went there.

He made my way through the alley, and towards the back of the building. Continuation down the back led him to the window he crawled in and out of everyday. As he hunched down, he watched the jagged edges of the broken glass, he entered the old hotel.

People inhabited a few of the rooms that were still there, while others found refuge in the lobby. Zack belonged to the latter. His refuge was on a small sleeping bag, which he had had since he was 12 and no longer covered all of his body.

Zack walked through the dusty lobby, that was home to spiders, as well as him and the others like him. The falling walls protruded throughout the building, it was far from a grand hotel now. The smell was another thing that protruded throughout the building. It was a musky odor, from God knows what, but Zack had a pretty good idea what it was.

He passed several of the hobos, whom he lived with, but never spoke a word to, until he found his small sleeping bag. Zack sat down hurriedly. He needed it. After the long day he had, he needed it. He pulled out his trusty friend. Over the years it was his only true friend. That flask was all that kept him going.

He downed the liquid letting it burn in a tingling sensation, as it flowed down his throat, which was opening in a pleading movement. Zack sighed, lying down in the sleeping bag as he curled up to his trusty flask. He loved the feeling he got from the liquor. A feeling of numbness. The feeling helped him get through all of this…everyday. All of it; having no one to love him, having no home, having nothing but a ratty sleeping bag to his name. The flask, filled with its delightfulness, got him through it all. Well…most of it.

Zack rose up quickly, feeling the starting affects of the liquid. He shook it off and stood up. He went to find Terrence, the only guy he had come to know in the hotel. He had a room at the end of the second floor. Terrence supplied happiness to me, not that he was a friend. Terrence wasn't anything to anyone. No. What he sold was the happiness.

He made his way to the second floor and to the end of the cobwebbed hall. Now in front of him was Room 112. He smiled. Zack needed this room right now. Zack needed whatever Terrence had. He needed it badly. He started to shake. He hadn't had anything in 5 hours, after all. He knocked.

"Come in Zack." a husky voice called on the other side.

Zack entered. There he was. Terrence. He stood 6 ft tall and weighed all of 110 lbs. He had no hair to speak of, he liked it that way. There in front of him, on the table, was the drugs that would soon supply him with the temporary happiness he needed.

"Eyeing awfully desperately, aren't you Zack?" he asked.

"I need something, Terrence." Zack answered desperately, walking quickly to the table, but was stopped by Terrence.

"What do you have for me?" Terrence asked.

"A new Viper is sitting in Graybons alley." Zack answered desperately.

"Good. You do me good, Zack. You can have whatever you like."

"What's this?" he asked, picking up a pill.

"Hug." he answered matter-of-factly.

"You mean ecstasy?" Zack asked.

"Yes, I mean X!" Terrence yelled angrily. "You're on the streets now! Stop over doing things!" he yelled.

"Alright. I'll take it." Zack said, popping the pill desperately in his mouth, feeling it slide easily down his throat.

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He stumbled down the lobby, feeling like a wave was flowing into him. It felt good, but at the same time it felt bad. He felt hot all over as he shook feverishly. His breathing hitched, and swerved to the side wall, catching himself before he fell. He had to get to someone. He knew something was wrong. He needed help. He started to run, but he couldn't. He fell. Hard. Hitting his head on the floor, with a cracking sound. He felt the area around him grow dark.

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His eyes fluttered open to find a bright light burning his eyes. A groan escaped his lips. Someone peered over him. "Zackary Martin?" the female voice asked. He groaned again. He hadn't heard that last name in a long time.

"No." he said clearly. He didn't want anyone to know that he was, indeed, Zack Martin, runaway.

"Nice try, kid. We have already had proper identification forwarded towards us. Now can you tell me where you got the drugs you took?" she asked.

"No." he replied indignantly.

"Alright then. You're mom's on her way." she finished before walking away.

He groaned again before falling into another slumber.

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"Zack?" Carrie's voice asked.

He fluttered his eyes back open, letting the light burn his eyes again, and he felt the tears slide down his face. He shifted his gaze to his mother. He saw her face for the first time in years. And it was in a state he would never want to see his mother. Mascara stains ran down her face, her eyes red and puffy, and she was much thinner than he remembered.

She enveloped him in a desperate hug. He hugged back, feeling love for the first time in years. He knew his mother loved him. She wasn't the reason he left. Cody was.

The day Zack left was the hardest day of Zack's life. His days on the street wasn't even on the same level of hardness as that day. That day Zack saw his brother's eyes. That day wasn't anger that Cody was seething to him. It was hatred. Pure hatred. Loathing hatred. That is when Zack decided that his brother was no longer his brother. He took his stuff and left, never to see his family again…well until now.

Now seeing his mother made him sad that he left her too. He thought she'd be fine, with Cody and all. He was, after all the greatest son in the world. He was polite, he was smart, and now he was the one that was sober. Sober from drugs, alcohol, and hate towards the world.

He held her closely and let her cry into his chest. "I'm okay." he whispered to her. Maybe he would be now.

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At the Tipton, Carrie and Zack made their way inside. It had been about a week and then they released him. He didn't want to come home. Sure he loved his mother. But not even an act from God would want him to see his brother again.

Inside the lobby everyone looked at him in shock, apparently none knowing he was coming. Everyone just stared. Moseby, Esteban, London, Norman, Arwin, Muriel, Maddie, everyone. But only one had tears. Maddie.

After the initial shock wore off they all made their way to him, each giving him a hug. All except one. And that one seemed to be the one he couldn't keep his eyes off of. She sat there, behind the candy counter, tears streaming down her face as she looked at him.

He struggled his way out of the crowd and toward the counter, where she was. He reached the counter, that used to be taller tan him, and pulled her into a hug. "Oh God." she whispered sadly. He couldn't respond he didn't know how. He just held her.

"I cant believe you're here." she whispered in his ears.

"Me either." he replied. She broke the embrace to look at him.

She looked him up and down. Her gaze stopped at his eyes and she bore into him lovingly but with a tone of sadness. It seemed she was staring through his soul. And Zack knew she saw him. What he had become. He knew she saw what he had been doing.

Tears started to stream down her face. He knew she was disappointed. But right now, he also knew, she wouldn't say anything, because he was here and that was all that mattered to her….at least for now.

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The moment of truth had arrived as Zack stared at his suite door. His home had become a memory, until now. Now he stood at it the door and knew he was home again. But he wasn't happy. He still had to face his brother. The one he walked away from all those years ago.

With the withdrawal from not having his flask handy and his drugs only a short walk away, he didn't know if he could do it. But he knew he had to. One hand on the doorknob and the other on the card key, he froze, let out a heavy sigh, and in two swift motions entered.

**(A/N) I hope you guys liked the first chapter of this story. It gets emotional from here on in. It will be fairly long. I wrote this a while back, I have just been neglecting putting it on here. I hope you guys liked it. Please tell me. I can handle flames.**


	2. Temporary Happiness From The New Zack

There he was. Sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework. He looked up. Stared. And so did I.

I felt like a deer caught in headlights as I saw my brother…two years older. His looks were similar to mine but Cody was much more muscular. Irony, if there ever was.

"Zack?" he gasped. I nodded. He dropped his pen in shock, stood, and stared. It looked as if all breath had escaped him as he stood, his mouth agape, and eyes wide. A tear seeped down his chin, I noticed, only seconds before he bolted from his position and ran towards me.

He flung his arms around me and embraced me fully, but it didn't last long as my instincts kicked in. I side-stepped away from him, flinging his arms off of me, in a seething rage. He looked at me, shocked. My teeth clenched. How could he forget?

I had to get out of this room. I had to get away from him. I was afraid of what I might do. I glanced to the velvet carpet that made up the floor in the suite, before shaking my head and walking in a forceful pace to my old bedroom. I slammed the door forcefully, dividing the world between me and my brother, once again.

I sighed, before combing my hands through my head and letting out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding, as I plopped to the bed. It remained unchanged, even from so long ago. Lying on my stomach, I scrunched a pillow into my face before letting the tears slowly fall to the soft cotton cloths.

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Feeling as if I had just confessed to a deadly crime I continued to cry, letting the salty tears flow down my cheeks, soaking the fabric from the pillow under my chin. Seeing them all again made me feel remorse for leaving the world I loved so much…almost.

Cody. He would not and could not be forgiven for what he did. I almost hit him when he enveloped me in the hug, the hug which I regret, even though I had absolutely no control over it and moved out as quickly as I could.

I hated him so much when I left, and seeing him just then made me realize something….I still do. Letting out a huff that caused my throat to clench from the crying, I seethed at myself. Why the hell was I crying? Why the hell did I allow myself to be caught? Why the hell am I back? Those questions were only the beginning.

Seeing Maddie again, however, was great. Hugging her made me go back to the mural I painted in my alley. That mural was of no one else. No one but Maddie. Her beautifully complexioned face along with her shapely body made an artful mural, that was appreciated by even the most art-challenged.

Flopping to my back, clearing my throat, and sitting up, I dried my tears. The goodness from seeing Maddie was wearing off fast, as I remembered the place I had called home in New York. The place where I went to escape the wraith that was building inside of me causing the constant urge to hurt my brother. The place where I became so sad, but so happy. Or at least a false happy.

I needed something to calm me. Anything. I knew mom had to have something. I knew I needed it. And I knew that I would feel better. So slinging my feet over my bed, I struggled to my feet and strode to the door, counting each step with anxiousness and a pleading heartache.

I felt a shiver run down my spine as I thought about any kind of drug sliding down my throat, causing an effect over me. Any effect. As long as it took my mind off of it. As long as I was happy. At least, for a moment.

Opening the door to the bathroom, ignoring the gaze that fell upon me when I exited the room. The gaze which sat at the kitchen table. The gaze that I wanted to end.

I entered the bathroom, feeling the cool tile under my feet chill my toes. It was a reminder. A reminder that I could still fill. A reminder that I was still alive.

Walking to the sink, looking straight ahead to the boy I saw so many times before made me cringed. I saw myself, but something was different now. I was no longer Zack Martin, care-free child of America. I was something else. The image I saw staring back at me was a mere reminder of what I had become.

Seeing the darkness under my red, puffy eyes on my ghost-white face, I knew that I hadn't just changed on the inside. The outside looked lifeless. I looked dead. I looked as if all life had been drained away from the boy I used to see in the mirror.

The child I used to be fought everyday to free himself from the grasp. He cried along with the new me everyday, but the new me seethed over it, while the old me cried harder.

Hating the image in front of me, I lurched my head back and spit on the reflecting glass in front of me. I slung open the cabinet, ignoring the loud bang of the door. Scanning through the pills, I didn't know which to take, so deciding I didn't give a damn, I knocked all of the bottles into the sink.

I opened each bottle, taking a pill out of each of the eleven bottles, and popping them into my mouth, letting them slide effortlessly down my throat. I smirked, feeling pleased.

It was almost instantly when I felt a rush like no other. I liked it. The world around me spun, and I felt as if I was on an over-powered carousel. My breath quickened, and I could hear my heart beat soundly in my ears. I felt a wave of pleasure shoot through my body, as I began to shake. My legs buckled beneath me and I fell on my back to the tile below me, causing me to laugh.

I continued laughing as I sat up and scooted myself against the door. I drew my knees to my chest and hugged them, before rocking back and forth, still laughing. My happiness may have been temporary, but it was a grand happiness, that was larger than any real happiness I had ever felt.

During that moment, rocking myself against the door, I thought of one thing. My flask. Where was it? I needed it. Stopping my laughs, because I was no longer happy, a grabbed the towel rack, pulling myself up, my feet quacking under me.

"Where the hell is it!" I yelled loudly, spinning myself around, towards the door. I reached my hand to the knob forcefully and turned it, before flinging it open and stepping out. I needed my flask! I was angry, and seeing that gaze fall upon me again, the gaze I despised, I lost it.

"What the hell did you do to it!" I yelled loudly, storming over to my brother. The inside of me wondering what the hell I was doing, because I knew the flask was confiscated at the hospital. But that was deep inside me. That was the old Zack. The same Zack, who was trying to control the new me right now, as I grabbed Cody's neck and squeezed roughly.

The old Zack watched in horror, trying to fight the new me off, even though the old Zack despised Cody, he didn't want him dead. The new me, simply laughed. The new me…The new me wasn't actually me. It was the drugs. But them being in me, and me putting them there, I would not blame the drugs. The drugs weren't to blame. I was. The new Zack.

I laughed as I watched his eyes roll to the back of his head, and watching all air escape him. Until something in me slowed, and I realized he was about to die. I released my grip, watching him buckle to the ground. He wasn't moving. I gasped soundly, my throat clenched. I was scared, as I saw my brother lying motionless on the kitchen floor. Falling on my knees, I screamed, before blacking out myself.

**(A/N) Yay! The second chapter! Haha! I will be changing the summary, because it sounds a little too I dunno...not like the story. The next chapter will be up soon. I hope you liked it. Review. I want to thank you all for your reviews already.**


	3. What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

I fluttered my eyes open, the effects worn off, for now. I looked next to me, and lying there, motionless was Cody. I didn't know what to do, but I had to do something. No matter how much I hated him, I wouldn't let him die. Not today. Struggling to my feet, which wobbled beneath me, I raced to the suite door and flung it open.

I looked for any visible life moving in the halls, seeing none, I ran to the elevator, hurrying to the lobby. I think the longest elevator ride of my life, was the one down to the lobby to save my brother's. With a ding, the doors opened, and I raced out, keeping my arm in the sliding door, so it wouldn't leave, before yelling to anyone who would listen.

I cant remember what I yelled. All I know was that a few minutes later, the paramedics made their way to our suite, me already inside, doing all I could for my brother, until they arrived. They lifted him up on the stretcher, and rushed him out of the room, me behind them.

I watched in shock. Knowing I did that to my brother. Almost killed him. I know how much I hated him after the day I ran, but I never thought I'd try and kill him. I watched until the paramedics carried him out of site. Not knowing why I didn't call them to begin with, I slid down the door frame; ashamed. Ashamed of my drug abuse. Ashamed of almost killing my brother. Ashamed of my idiocy. What the hell was wrong with me?

Drawing my knees to my chest and resting my head atop of them, I began to shake. From crying, yes. But also from a convulsion like I had never experienced before. The beauty of an after effect, I suppose. Blood soaked through the knees of my jeans, from my nose and mouth.

It felt sticky and wet as it soaked like a rag in water. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I leaned backwards against the door frame. My convulsing became violent, as my limbs and head shook with urgency. I slipped from the door frame, onto the floor and flopped uncontrollably, much like a fish out of water.

Blood spurted from me, sprinkling like a small rain, if rain was red and came from the ground. It shot and fell into my eyes, some even sprinkled down my chin. I coughed, getting choked on the iron liquid protruding out of me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do but ride it out. What else was there?

I heard footsteps approaching with urgency, as I continued to flop about, losing all control. They stopped as I saw a face hovered above me. An angel. Her face was milk-white, and her hair was long and golden, which flowed gallantly over her shoulders. I smiled, despite myself, before blacking out completely.

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'_With tears comes loneliness, I need to stop. No matter how much I want love, I have that much more hate. Hate for not having a home for two years. Hate for my brother. Hate for myself. It hurts to cry, knowing they will hate me, if they find out the truth. It's inevitable. They will know what I have become. All of them.'_

'_Why cant I stop crying? I hate myself for it' , and that only caused more tears. 'I have to stop. I have to.' Another salty tear trickled down my cheek, forming a wet line that traces to the corner of my lip. I hated myself. They would, too. All of them. Maddie, mom, everyone. I think that hurt the most._

'_The angel? Where is she? I was so lost in my thoughts, that I completely forgot. Where is she?'_

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Opening my eyes forcefully, the bright light almost blinded me as it stung my corneas, but I didn't care. Looking around, the room was white, and the bed wasn't mine. I was in the hospital. Sitting up, I felt a sting in my wrist. Looking down, an I.V. was hooked into me, knowing I must have jerked too hard and with too much urgency, I leaned backwards, against the soft pillows.

My eyes closed, as if to rest from the horrible stinging sensation they received when I jolted awake, when I heard the door squeak open. I didn't open my eyes, hoping they would go away. But they didn't. I felt the bed sink as someone sat on it, and I felt a hand grasp mine.

A chill ran down my spine, as the flesh from that hand touched mine. Their hand felt soothing in my own. I smiled inside, thanking God that someone still loved me. Whoever it was, I was thankful for. They started to sob. And thinking I knew who it was, my eyes jolted open, startling her. Maddie. I smiled.

"Hey." I said, amused.

"Hey…" she replied sadly.

I hated that she was sad. Sad because of me. Because of my idiocy. I hated myself even more as I saw a tear fall from her beautiful eyes.

"Don't cry." I said urgently.

"I'm just glad you're okay. I saw you on the ground, shaking. I didn't know what to do. As soon as I walked in, Moseby said that Cody had been sent to the hospital, and I wanted to check on you…I didn't know you were going to be like that…" she replied in a quickened tone, before breaking down. She fell to my chest and cried harshly.

That is when I remembered. Cody. What I had done to him. Remembering him crumpled to the floor, unmoving. No matter what he did to me, he didn't deserve to die. He didn't want to kill me that day, because he would have if he wanted.

Flashback

_Late Saturday night, Zack awoke from a his slumber from a crackling sound. His eyes shot open, abruptly. Letting his eyes get used to the dark, he saw a shadowy figure move._

"_Cody?" he asked._

"_Shh…go back to sleep." Cody said with ease, still continuing his pace to the door._

_Zack pretended to flutter his eyes closed again and fall into a slumber, but he didn't. He was curious. After hearing his brother sneak out of the suite, without Carrie hearing, he rose from the comfortable bed._

_Swinging his legs over the side, soundlessly, he stood, and tiptoed out of the room, not daring to close the door behind him. He didn't want to risk waking Carrie. Tiptoeing past her bed on the couch he reached the door, before turning the knob slowly, occasionally glancing behind him, making sure his mother still slept._

_The knob turned completely, he opened it with ease, just enough for himself to squeeze through, before doing so. He heard the elevator close. Cody, he thought, before following. He watched the notch above, it said L for lobby, smiling at his brilliance he walked into the other, pushing the same button as his brother._

_End Flashback._

I held the beautiful girl sobbing on my chest. The girl I loved since I was 12 years old. The girl that was obviously the angel I saw earlier. Who knows…maybe she will be _my _angel. Maybe she will get me through this all. Holding her close, and embracing her tight, I smiled, before allowing my eyes to close, and drift off to sleep.

**(A/N) We're close to figuring out what Cody did. You'll get to see Cody's POV later. ONLY IN FLASHBACKS. This story isnt about Cody. It's about Zack. How he gets through his drug problem and how he comes to deal with new things and old. I hope you guys like this chapter. I dont think I'm going to get On A Cruise up tonight. Definitely tomorrow though, I promise. I had to write in this story because I had a sudden urge to write it. I hope it was liked. Please tell me what you think. Flames arent appreciated but I can take them. Thanks to all my reviewers. If I havent replied to your reviews I'm sorry, I will next time.**


	4. You're Lost, Zack

The best dreams seem to soar through your mind when you feel happy for the first time in years. Truly happy. I knew the consequences of what I did to my brother would soon be upon me, but lying here, now awake, with Maddie still resting her head on me, I didn't care. My lip curled into a smirk thinking of how beautiful she was when she was asleep.

A great dream must have invaded her mind as well, as she seemed peaceful. I cackled to myself, as I noticed her nose seem to twitch a little. Not wanting to wake her, I simply laid my head back onto the pillows and thought. Unfortunately, the thoughts of Maddie were gone as memories flooded into me.

Flashback

_Making his way through the lobby, Zack halted, seeing a muddy shoe print. "What the hell?" he whispered just below his breath. _

_Realizing, he didn't know where his brother was headed if he left the Tipton, he decided to follow the muddy shoe prints, which led to the ballroom._

_At the door, he peeked in slightly, seeing two boys, dressed in black, in front of none other than Cody. Training his ears to listen to their whispers he heard little, but enough to grasp that he, Zackary Martin, had just over-heard something he wasn't suppose to._

"_Cody are you in?" one boy asked, whom Zack recognized as a guy named Bruner. A largely husky boy a year older than them and already had a record. For what…Zack didn't know._

"_Yeah." Cody replied, but something about his voice seemed odd to Zack, but shrugging it off, he continued to listen, wondering what exactly his brother was in on._

"_Alright we'll meet tomorrow in the school and we'll set it up then." the second boy confirmed. Zack knew this guy. They called him Sticky. He was thinner than Bruner but his record could outweigh Bruner's any day of the week._

_Leaning too far on the door, Zack fell into the ballroom, obviously surprising the three boys inside. Zack gasped as he fell to the floor, knowing he had just been caught listening. To what? He didn't know, but he did know it wasn't meant to be heard._

_Bruner dug into his pocket to retrieve a small black device, before slinging it, revealing a knife. Zack gasped as he rolled to his back, backing away with his arms before hitting the wall._

"_I'll take care of him." Cody said, stopping Bruner with his arm. Bruner nodded, before dashing away with Sticky leading._

_End Flashback_

I would never forget the look in his eyes as he came towards me that day. I couldn't. It was too hard.

Feeling Maddie stir on my stomach, made my thoughts drift back to her suddenly. Seeing her smile at me as she rose her head up was enough to lift any downed spirits, or brighten any dark crevice in my dark saturated mind. That was…until she spoke.

"I didn't want to believe it when you came home…" she started hoarsely.

I knew what she meant. I knew what she saw when we first looked into each other's eyes, upon my arrival. She saw me. What I had become. Sucking in my breath, not allowing myself to cry I nodded for her to continue. I knew she needed to talk it out. I knew she needed it; to vent.

"Your mom told me that the police called…said they found you, but you were in the hospital," she continued, tears streaming down her white-silken face. "She didn't tell me why…but I-" she sniffed deeply trying to will her tears to stop, before continuing again. "But seeing you the day you came home…I knew. I saw it in your eyes. You were gone. The real you…was gone. You are so lost Zack…I never thought you…_you _would fall that far in. I saw the effects of withdrawal, from only a few hours of sobriety. I knew you would never be able to stop by yourself…but again, I chose not to believe it. Until…I saw you. On the floor. Blood everywhere. I knew something was wrong. And I had a good idea that it probably had something to do with Cody's trip here too." she finished tears streaming freely now.

I pulled her to me. My own tears streaming, now. I wanted to hold her. Tell her everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't. Because it wouldn't be. I knew it couldn't be. Ever.

Pulling away from me she looked into my eyes, and I into hers. I saw sadness and disappointment. She wanted to know why. I could tell she wanted to know why. But I wasn't ready to tell her. Not yet. Because in the realm of reality and truth, I wasn't ready to admit it. Because that would mean that I was weak, and that I truly cared about my brother. And that would mean that more tears would flow and everyone knows, with tears comes loneliness.

**(A/N) Well I hope you like it. All of my stories will be updated this week for sure, because my tutor is on fall break from college and she's taking it off from her job tutoring too. Soo... It's sorta like I'm on fall break. And here I am. Updating...This will probably be updated twice this week. Due to the shortness. But On A Crusie will only be updated once, because that chapter is going to be HUGE! And Open Mic Night will maybe be updated twice. Please review. I need to hear some feedback...well read some feedback. REVIEW!**


	5. Remembering What He Wants To Forget

A broken past can only lead to a broken future, right? If that is so, then why should I try to mend my desolate life? Why should I forget what pulled me through all those times on the street? The two things I could count on in life was my flask and what ever I could squeeze out of Terrence for doing his dirty deeds. Why should I stop?

The answer was clear, even to me. It was for myself. Not mom. Not Moseby. Not even Maddie. For me. I hated to see myself in the mirror everyday. I hated to see myself struggle to obtain something that was doing me more harm than it was producing happiness. Because no matter how you looked at it, I would shake from my high sooner or later, and always find myself the same Zackary Martin, with the same life. And it was no longer sweet.

I realized all of this-with the help of Maddie-and I only hoped it wasn't too late. As I sit here, strangers surrounding me in a circle, all telling how they came to be what they are. I was next, but I had no clue what to say…I didn't have a clue, because I knew I wouldn't speak. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to admit it to myself; that I had become another loser bound to the world only be his lungs and heart beat. Bound by his body. Not life. Because when you live, serenity follows.

"Zack? Would you like to speak? This being your first meeting, it isn't required." Tom, the counselor, added. I shook my head in reply, before he clapped his hands together once, with a smile to adjourn the meeting. "Okay, and remember guys…remembering the past in its entirety, and naming your faults is the first step in this program." he finished.

Remembering…only led to more hate. More anguish. Because I remembered what happened the night I disowned my brother. I remembered everything…his look when he walked towards me caused the most excruciating cold feeling I had ever experienced.

Flashback

_His face was odd. Scrunched up into a seething rage. As was his pace towards Zack. _

_Zack, who sat on the ground, looking fearfully to his brother, who's pace was gaining in intensity, backed up with his arms, but hit the wall behind him._

_He didn't really realize why he was so frightened. It was his brother, after all, but there was something there. Something about his eyes. Something that seemed….odd._

_------------------------------_

_I didn't want to walk towards my brother, acting as if I was going to do him in, as Bruner and Sticky would have done. But I also knew that they were still looking…somewhere…watching. I was sorry for ever getting involved with their plan, and I was sorry for what I was about to do…but it would be far worse had they been the ones to deliver the message._

_Walking to Zack, and grabbing a handful of his hair, my fear was recognized. I was about to hit my brother. But I would tell him why later…I had to tell him later. When they weren't looking. When they couldn't hurt him more. When the time was right._

_-----------------------------_

_My hair being jerked from my roots, he pulled me up, before slamming me against the wall. The air escaped my lungs as it poured from my mouth and nose, and no more replaced it. I gasped at the air loss and winced at the pain starting to form in my back._

_I could have fought back. But part of me was telling myself that this wasn't reality. That my brother wasn't really about to hurt me. That Cody would never do such a thing…that part was wrong…dead wrong. I watched in a petrified state as he drew his fist back…_

_End Flashback_

-------------------

That was a long time ago. A different time, entirely. A different Zack. That Zack would never be left vulnerable again. Never again, would I be hurt. I wouldn't allow it.

Grabbing the handle to my car, I pulled, clicking it open. I stepped in, and slammed the door behind me, feeling the warmness in the car envelop me. I sucked in a breath as a tear fell from my eye, and leaned forward against the steering wheel. Never again…I told myself…never.

Picking my head back up, and looking into the mirror above, I dried my tears. Pulling the keys from my pocket, with a jingle I inserted it into the ignition, and just as I was about to turn my cell phone sounded. Looking at the caller I.D., I realized who it was.

Happiness, for the first time of the night, swept over me, as I flipped the phone open.

"Hello?" I asked, pretending I didn't know who it was.

"How was it?" she asked, hopefully.

"It was fine." I lied.

"Not by your tone. It'll take time." she encouraged.

I stared blankly, in front of me, before nodding slightly. I'm not a complete idiot, I knew she couldn't hear the nod or see me doing it, but it was a reflex that appeared before the words escaped my lips.

"You know I cant hear a nod, right."

"How'd you know that I was nodding?" I asked.

"Because you didn't say anything."

"That still doesn't explain it…" I started, but a peck at the window startled me. Well that was before I saw who it was…Maddie.

"What the hell?" I spoke into the phone, before I saw her click it closed, and open the door.

I felt the car move slightly as she stepped in and sat next to me. And I heard the shut of the car door, but no sounds knocked me from my stupor.

"Okay, we're just going to close this, shall we?" she said as if she was talking to London, taking the phone gently from my hands and closing it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, confused.

"Thought you could use a friend after your meeting. And I wanted to let you know how proud I am that you're being responsible about it and going to the meetings." she said with a slight smile.

"You sound like mom." I groaned, turning back to the front.

"She's just worried about you." Maddie replied.

"I know…I know. But she has to understand that when I left I had no one-" I started, but was interrupted.

"Don't start that. Who told you to leave!? We didn't have you either! Despite what you think you hurt us all when you left." she ranted.

"Not Cody." I replied bitterly.

"Cody made a mistake, it didn't change the fact that he loves you and missed you everyday." she replied, pointing her finger into my face.

"Maddie, you didn't see the look in his eyes that night…"

"I didn't have to. It had to be bad if it made you leave. But you didn't just leave Cody that night. You left your mom, Moseby, Esteban, Arwin, London…me." she said turning to the front as well.

"The point is that I'm back, ok?" I asked, wanting to end what was started as quickly as possible.

"You know we're going to talk about this later, don't you?"

"Looking forward to it." I replied in complete sarcasm. "Look, I'm hungry…you?"

"Yeah…" she said simply.

"Do you want to go with me to get something?" I asked, hopeful.

"No…I cant. I would love to, but I um…I uh…have a date." she replied.

"Okay…do you need me to drive you anywhere?" I asked, disappointed.

"No, I can take the bus." she replied, reaching for the knob.

"Nuh-uh…take your hand off the knob." I said quickly, and she turned, confused. "It's dark, and this isn't the best neighborhood to wait on a bus at, I'll take you home."

"I thought you were hungry." she replied.

"I am, but there's burger places on the way from your house to the Tipton." I replied, with a slight smile, ignoring the burning feeling in my stomach, as if I had just been kicked. She nodded. Smiling, I turned the ignition, starting the car, and drove away, towards her house.

**(A/N) Alright REVIEW, guys and girls. Tell me what you think. I need opinions PLEASE.**


	6. If Walls Could Talk

**(A/N) LOOK AT A/N AT THE BOTTOM!**

I walked through the door to my suite, hunger still evident as my stomach growled and gargled to its own accord. I sighed, walking to my room. I wasn't in the mood to eat. Not with Maddie on a date.

_Bobby._ That was his name. She told me all about him on the way to her house, and it made me want to barf. I hated the guy already. He drove a Porsche, went to the same college as she did, in fact, he was premed. Big deal.

Blowing an excessive amount of air out of my mouth, I threw myself violently onto the bed. Not even bothering to turn on my back. With any luck I would suffocate and not have to bear another moment of my agonizing life.

Groaning into my pillow, I clenched my fists, which were rested above my head, before drawing them back. I pounded the mattress below me, wishing it was _Bobby._

Out of breath and arms tired, I stopped pounding on the mattress. I didn't know what was causing the anger to pour from the depths of my mind and heart. I never did let it show how I was feeling. But maybe now, was only because no one else was in the room. Maybe. Or maybe it was because this was Maddie. I would never be certain.

'If walls could talk,' was the old saying. But being here, on the verge of tears, and seconds earlier pounding away at my mattress wishing it was Maddie's newest boyfriend, I wondered, what a wall might say.

Would they tell all of the secrets, we hold so dear? Would they tell _my _secrets? But what secret would that be? I had no secrets. Not anymore. But they may tell Cody's. The person I thought was my closest friend. My brother. The person I thought I could trust. If walls could talk, perhaps they would tell me why he did what he did. Why he decided to change both of our lives so drastically that night. Why he decided I was no longer his brother, but his enemy. I wish I could ask the walls the questions that littered my mind.

Flashback

_My face burnt like a thousand flames as his fist flung into my jaw. I heard my teeth rattle and my jaw click, in a way I had never heard before. The pain of burning soon became numbness, as his fist kept smashing against my face, each time, a look…a horrendous look that was plastered on his face, became more evident._

_His eyes glistened. I didn't know why. Each hit became more powerful. I didn't know why. All I knew was after the thirteenth hit, I was out. Cold._

_------------------------------------------_

_As my fist hit Zack's face for the first time, a tear seeped from my eyes. I couldn't let them see that. I couldn't let them know that I was helping him. That I was crying over what I was doing. Not knowing what else to do, I swung again. And again. And again, until I couldn't stop. _

_I felt like breaking down and crying from the sound of his jaw snapping on the eleventh hit. My eyes glistened from the tears that brimmed my eyes. I was scared. Horrified, of what I was doing. Who I was doing it to. I didn't know how one hit, could turn into thirteen. Thirteen. Each taking no more than a second to complete. And in those thirteen seconds, I wasn't Cody Martin. I hated myself for what I was doing, but kept on as I knew it was best._

_But now peering down at him, motionless on the floor, I wondered, if it would have been **as **bad if Bruner and Sticky would have handled it. I wondered, if I was still Cody Martin, sensitive and loving to everyone, especially my family. The boy that would do anything for his brother, even though it wasn't always reciprocal…I wondered if I was that boy at all. Was I hitting him to protect him? If I was, then I had failed…miserably. _

_A tear dripped from my eye, as I stood, petrified in fear like a statue. Staring at him. I closed my eyes tight, trying to rid myself of the image before me. The image of my brother, lying motionless, blood spattered on his face._

_My stomach churned as I knew what I had done. No matter how good my intentions were, I knew that things would never be the same between us, but I never imagined they would be as bad as they actually were going to be…_

End Flashback

(Back to Zack's POV)

My hands quivered, as did my lips. To anyone else you would think I was cold, but actually I was burning up. Sweat glistened from my forehead, and I knew…I knew what was happening. Withdrawal. It had been so long. Too long.

My body ached for the drugs…any drugs. My breath hitched and my heart sped. I wanted it….I needed it. Hopping from the springy softness of my bed, I walked to my door. Gripping it slightly, I watched as my hand shook over it, it looked as if it was having its own seizure.

Gripping tighter, and turning quickly, I blasted through the door of my bedroom, and sped to the bathroom just inches away. Seeing the bathroom made chills roll down my spine, as the thought of something tearing my mind away from Maddie and Cody struck me.

Walking to the sink, I reached for the medicine cabinet, but hesitated at what I saw. My reflection. Moving my hand back down to grip the sink side, I gazed into my own face. The pinkish color had returned and the bags under my eyes had been lost. And that is when it happened. I smiled. I smiled at myself. The first time in a long time.

How stupid could I be? I was helping myself by going to rehab, and I was so close to ruining everything I worked for. I knew something. I would never go back to drugs. Ever.

---------------------------------------------

Maddie walked to her door, Bobby at her side. She halted at the closed door and turned to him. He smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"I had a great time." she said sweetly.

"Me, too. Hopefully we can do it again?" he asked, hopeful.

"Maybe." she answered, flirting by making it sound more of a "yes" tone.

**(A/N) Alright. I love this story, in fact, it's probably my favorite to write. And I probably wont stop writing it, because of other people who are curteous enough to review. But I need to start getting reviews.FOR ALL OF MY STORIES. Look, if you dont like it...I dont know why you'd be reading, but anyways if you dont like it say so. If I need work on things TELL ME! I need feedback guys. I'm serious about my writing. And lately I've just been doodeling along, not really caring how many mistakes I make, because not many people are giving me ANY say so. But then I said, "Hayden, that isnt fair to the people who DO review..." so that is why I'm trying harder in my other stories. But I really do need to hear from you guys okay? I dont know how many people actually read my A/N but it would be appreciated if you'd just review. AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER. For those who dont know, I can tell how many hits I get on each chapter, and when I get..oh I dunno 12 reviews or so a chapter and it says more like 500 hits in each chapter...somethings WRONG! I'm not talking about this story only, I'm also talking about "On A Cruise" and "Open Mic Night"**

**jcg2491 Thanks a lot for your review. I couldnt reply to you, but I want you to know that I appreciate your review.**

**And also special thanks to: **Lennie1984, Rongo, Nikki Micheal, In NYC, Nixy Angel, devilinangel, luveCBLuvJP,Sandt21, DiegoAlmirante, GilmoreGirlAddict, 1989 sonic, SillverMedal whom I have replied to, and who have reviewed. I am greatful. And if I forgot your name on this list, I'm sorry, I'll see you next time.


	7. Why So Concerned?

My hands shook as I held the remote, trying to take my mind off of what was causing my nerves to run haywire. Five hours since I dropped Maddie off. Four and a half since I swore off drugs forever, and yet my body was telling me that it needed more for my body to function properly. "More, Zack…more!" it called to me.

I exhaled sharply, flipping the remote from my hands, and watching it land on the back of the couch. I concentrated my attention to the TV, letting my leg twitch and my eyes blink uncontrollably. I felt as if I had Parkinson's disease, as my body convulsed and shook of its own accord. Except I did this to myself. I caused myself the anguish. It was a disease. Yes. But not an incurable one that I didn't put upon myself.

My mind was doing flip-flops as I tried to concentrate on the screen in front of me. I needed something to take my mind off of this, anything. I couldn't go back. Not now. No matter how much I thought I needed the drugs now, or later, or anytime for that matter, I needed myself pure more. I needed to be better. For myself. For my mom. And for Maddie.

I felt a hand touch my shoulder slightly, causing me to jump. It was mom. I heard her talking. I really did. But I couldn't understand what she was saying, as I felt myself dizzying and all the air lurch quickly from my lungs, as if it was spewing from a slashed tire.

Grabbing either sides of my head, I groaned loudly, flopping from the couch onto my side. I drew my knees into my chest, causing my shaking legs to cease somewhat, as I clutched my head tighter trying to steady the dizziness. My head pounded against my palms and I groaned again…louder.

I felt mom over me, rubbing my back softly, while wetness fell onto my cheeks. I couldn't tell if they were her tears or my own, as I was in so much pain. Another crashing of the knees against carpet was sounded, and my attention was temporarily wavered from my pain and onto the blond boy who's knees made the crashing sound beside me.

"Cody?…." I asked, confused, before feeling the pain envelop me again, as my head throbbed harder. I grasped my hair, nearly pulling the follicles from their roots as I screamed again.

_Flashback_

_Blood spurted from my mouth as I looked up to my assaulter. My own flesh and blood. My brother. Coughing, I watched the soft spraying of blood land on the wooded floor beneath me, as I flipped to my stomach. My knees drew up to my chest, and supported me enough to keep my face from smashing into the wood below._

_------------------_

_Cody's POV_

_The door flew open and standing there, smile on each face was Sticky and Bruner. I held the tears once again, not wanting them to see. I didn't want them to know that that was possibly the hardest thing I ever had to do. _

"_I cant believe you had the guts, Codster!" Sticky said, approaching me, his broad smile making me want to throw up. His joy at my brothers dismay was sickening. And knowing that I had caused the joy plastered all over him was worse. Codster. That name also made my stomach churn, as that was what Zack called me. _

"_Yeah you showed him not to stick his face where it didn't belong!" Bruner exclaimed before kicking Zack in the stomach, causing his knees to buckle and his face to smash into the floor. I heard him groan and I winced from his pain._

_They continued laughing until Sticky turned to me and said simply, "Now is where the real fun begins," his smile grew wider before he turned and left with Bruner. I glanced back at my brother, writhing on the floor, gasping for air, and my stomach churned hard, making me want to vomit once again._

"_You coming Codster?" Bruner called behind, and taking one last look at Zack, I left. I couldn't let them know that I was hurting. I couldn't let them know that watching him, my own brother, force his weight onto his knees to keep himself from smashing into the ground was the hardest thing I ever witnessed. Possibly even harder than what I witnessed only twenty minutes after…_

_End Flashback_

The pain ceased suddenly, and I grunted, as I forced myself up on my hands and knees. I felt a hand grasp my forearm, and suddenly my body was being lifted up, but when I saw who had helped me, I freed myself forcefully. Cody's face was dumfounding, to say the least, as my anger seethed.

"Don't ever fucking touch me again!" I yelled, outraged, before turning on my heel and leaving the suite.

---------------------

Carey smoothed her youngest sons back gently, trying to calm his crying. "It's okay." she soothed. "He's just going through a lot right now. He'll come around. He always has."

"He hates me." Cody spoke suddenly, in a hoarse voice.

"No he doesn't. He's just having problems." she replied in an even more soothing voice.

"But you don't understand…I'm the reason he left." he said suddenly, knowing he was about to confess what he had held in for years. He was about to tell his mother, whom he knew would hate him just as Zack did, after she knew the truth. He sighed, before continuing the rest of the story…

-----------------------

Making my way down the hall to the elevator, I felt as if three worlds were placed on my shoulders. I didn't understand anything. Nothing. Why had he seemed so concerned? His eyes seemed purely concerned as he peered at my quivering form on the floor. He seemed like the old Cody. The Cody that was my brother. The one that hadn't seethed out an angry raged beating, for me over hearing something that I didn't have a clue of.

Pressing the down button repeatedly, I decided I didn't care why his eyes seemed concerned. Maybe it was because of mom. And maybe he just didn't want me to die. Maybe. With a ding, I was shook from my stupor as the elevator arrived to take me to the lobby and out of this hellacious hotel. So I may be able to get my mind from my situations. All of them.

It was in the shiny elevator that I realized my reflection and that I was still wearing pajama bottoms. Sighing sharply, I pressed the L button, counting the very seconds until I got the fresh air that I needed. The freedom of not having people that loved me breathing down my neck, making sure everything was perfect. That I was being perfect in keeping the promise I made to them. The promise I made to myself.

The ding of the elevator told me I had arrived at the lobby. I watched with anxiousness, as the elevator doors slid open, and strode out quickly to make my way to the exit. I pushed out quickly through the swinging door, feeling the breeze of the outside world envelope me.

It was a chilly night in Boston, but perfect in every way. The stars were hardly visible, but I knew that if all the lights were switched off they would shine gallantly. That was what kept a smile on my face in New York, on all those lonely nights in the streets. Even though I couldn't see a single star, because of the bright lights of the city, it was the fact that they were there anyways.

The fact that somewhere someone could see the beautiful stars, and at that moment I would be connected them. To someone that may have been perfect. Or someone who was in the perfect house. With a perfect family, eating their perfect meals. I imagined what it would have been like growing up on a ranch. Seeing the stars each night. But in each vision there was something else. Or should I say someone else. She was perfect. And she kept the smile that the stars gave me.

The sounds of the leaves rustling filled my ears as I looked across the street to the park. I smiled. I loved that park. So many memories. The good kind of memories that you want to remember forever, but always the ones you push the farthest back. The ones the bad memories overtake and those are the ones that haunt your soul. Your every day existence. Your life.

I started to walk. To where? I didn't know. But I knew that I needed to think. I needed something. What? I didn't know. It seemed to be a never ending process lately; what I didn't know. I didn't know anything anymore. Not even my own philosophy on life. Not even where I would end up on a simple stroll…

-------------------------

Maddie lay on her stomach on her freshly folded down bed, thinking of her date with Bobby. She smiled as a blush crept up onto her cheek. He was everything she had ever wanted in a guy; sweet, charming, intelligent, and great looking. But there was just something she couldn't quite put her finger on about the entire situation. Something that didn't feel right.

She reached for her journal, on her bedside table. Opening it to her marked page, she smiled at the book marker. It was a picture of her at a baseball game, with a guy friend from school, only months earlier, but something else drew her attention. Squinting, she noticed the blond boy only three rows behind her. Zack.

He was looking at her, she noticed, and he looked different than he did now. Even only a few months ago it seemed as if the drugs hadn't impacted him so much. Sure, she knew, he did them then. But he didn't look as thin, or lifeless.

Smoothing her thumb over his face in the picture, she thought to herself. Why hadn't he said hello? It was obvious he noticed her. Why had he left again? Why had he even showed up to begin with? Why did she not notice him in the picture sooner? As it was so obvious, now, as to who it was.

A knock at the door was heard and she placed her journal under her pillow, as if it was the most top secret object in the world. And maybe it was to her.

Throwing her legs over the side of the bed, she stood, slipped her feet into her house shoes and walked through the hallway, as the knocking came quicker, yet more silent. Grabbing for the handle of the large wooden door, she turned, and in one swift motion opened the door to reveal the blond boy behind it.

He wore a smile, wider than any she had seen from him since before he left. In his hand was a hot dog, with his favorite; mustard and relish.

"You know…I forgot how good the hot dogs were in Boston!" he said excitedly, causing her to smile.

"Come on in." she said, with mirth.

----------------------------

I don't know how I ended up at Maddie's but I did. And somehow…it felt right. For the first time. Something felt…right. I smiled as I crossed the threshold of the door way, and she ushered me into the living room.

I chewed silently, as the hot dog tingled the very essence of my senses. I missed this. Hot dogs in Boston, and Maddie. Seeing her smile was a great feeling that caused my lips to widen into a broad smile.

"So…?" Maddie asked, trying to ask why I was here, but not wanting to sound rude. I smiled at this.

"I thought I'd take a walk. And well, I saw some hot dogs, and I took like five. I love the hot dogs here." I replied.

"Something tells me you aren't here because you wanted to tell me about the hot dogs." she said. I nodded, despite myself. I didn't really know why I was here.

"Truth is…you're the only person that makes me feel like a person, and not a pet. They're all just waiting for me to mess up, it seems. Waiting for me to pop another pill, take another drink, something. And when I do, they'll be there to take me to the hospital." I said truthfully.

She sat on the large white couch that sat in the middle of the room, making me think it didn't seem to be a style Maddie would go for. White? Her room was full of bright colors. Why white? It seemed to plain for her. Shrugging it off, I joined her, sitting in the middle seat, as to be closer to her.

"They mean well." she said simply.

"I know but…I don't know. I just get tired of it. I'm going through enough without dragging them through the same thing. But let's get off the subject…how was your date?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"It was great." she said, with a smile, that almost made my stomach lurch. "In fact I was about to write about it in my journal, and I found a picture of myself at a baseball game a few months ago…you care to finish the rest for me?" she said with a tone, I hadn't quite heard from her before. It sounded as if she was angry but with a sarcastic feel. But I knew what she meant and I knew what she wanted to know.

"Aw…so I take it you saw me behind you." I replied. She nodded.

"Why were here Zack? And more importantly why didn't you say anything? I was so worried about you for so long! Why couldn't you have just said hi telling me that you were still alive? How could you not have thought about my feelings? Or your moms?" she asked all these questions, getting more emotional as each sentence left her lips. She rose from the couch, and stared questioningly at me. I was taken aback, and I knew that I had to answer, yet her outburst drew me into anger.

"Yeah! You seemed so heart broken! Boo hoo! Poor Maddie, couldn't eat or sleep, without Zack! Whatever! You were on a fucking date! So don't tell me about feeling concerned! Because at that moment you didn't give a shit about me! You didn't even remember Zackary Martin! So stop crying about how much you missed me!" I yelled, standing as well, as I peered down to her.

It didn't take long for a response. Possibly a tenth of a second. That tenth of a second was the only amount of time I had thought I won the battle. Because after that a pain lashed through my left cheek, as her hand slapped it forcefully. Lurching my head to the side, I groaned at the painful smack, before hearing her footsteps descending and a slam of the door at the end of the hall.

I groaned, before following her. I grasped the knob to the door she slammed so audibly, but it didn't turn.

"Open the door, Maddie." I called, softer. I needed her to open up. I needed to apologize. I needed to see her face again. I needed to see her not mad at me, because she was the only person that I could count on right now. Pecking the door softly, I begged for her to open up, but it was to no avail.

I cursed myself before turning my back to the door and sliding down the frame, crying silently at my own stupidity, not knowing that on the other side was Maddie, doing exactly the exact same thing.

**(A/N) Well, I hope ya'll liked that. Sorry for the lack of updates..."On A Cruise" will be updated tomorrow. And "Open Mic Night" Tuesday. Well Review!**

**Special Thanks to:**

EnB4ever9190,CRIMS0N HAZE,Nixy Angel, GilmoreGirlAddict,luveCBLuvJP,In NYC, Lennie1984, Rongo, Degrassi.n.TSl lover, Sandt21, DracoLuvsGinny, silence is golden, jcg2491. For their support in chapter 6.


	8. Controlled Pain

Soon crying leads to so much loneliness that anger envelopes even the darkest crevice in our desolate minds. Or at least it does in mine. After hours of pleading with Maddie to open, I gave up. Just like I always do.

I was asleep. And I had hoped that I would stay that way. Forever if possible. For my life was a mistake made over and over every time I awoke the next day. Wiping the sweat from my brow, furiously, I mumbled incoherently to myself. I had no clue what I was even saying. I didn't even remember when I went to sleep.

Throwing my feet over my bed, I spotted him sleeping peacefully. I scowled. I hadn't had a decent sleep in over two years because of him, and he slept soundly each and every night. How I wanted to smother him with the pillow that sat beside me, ruffled from my roughened sleep the night before.

Rubbing my nose with the back of my hand, I sniffled, as a wetness dripped from the back of my hand and onto my flannel pajama bottoms. I brought my callused hand eye level to see blood smeared over the back of it. Sniffing, I pinched my nose, and held it upward, before running to the bathroom.

This wasn't good. I knew what the nosebleed was. I didn't remember last night after I left Maddie's but I knew what I had done.

Flashback

_Walking from Maddie's alone, brought anger to my senses as I hurried down the sidewalk. Tears show weakness and I showed it to the one person I wanted to be strong for. Tears prove nothing. They help nothing. It may not cause loneliness but it doesn't help it. And with tears comes loneliness. And with loneliness comes anger._

_The anger burned within me, as I passed a nearby café. I saw all the happy people drinking their lattés, or whatever the hell they were. They weren't truly happy, although they should be. Business men with their families. The wedding rings shining proudly on their hands, yet they hide behind their laptops, typing away trying to better their life's by career. But what they don't know is that they already have everything._

_Shrugging it off with force I continued on the side walk. The coldness of the air chilled me, but I didn't care, I walked with an amplified pace, towards the Tipton. I wasn't wanting to go home, but I had no where else to go._

_A trashcan was in my vision, I didn't even think of hitting it, but when it was upon me...in kicking distance, my foot thrust into the air and hit it with great force, denting it inwards. My mind was spinning as I recalled the events just before. I hated myself for making her cry. I hated myself for crying._

"_Hey kid!" a raspy voice called out from the darkened alley beside me. I turned, to see a figure approaching from the shadows. It was a guy, not much older than me, his skin was as dark as night, so dark in fact that there was no contrast to him and the darkness, until he stepped into the security lights of the pawn shop windows._

_I nodded upwards, in reply, to let him know that I one acknowledged him, and two, wasn't afraid. "You look like you could use some." he said to me. I knew what he meant. And at that moment I did want some, and I knew I shouldn't take it, but I wanted it badly, especially now._

_A tingle ran down my spine at the thought of it. I outstretched my hand, pleading with him, and receiving a mocking laugh in reply. "Not so fast, kid." he said, before patting my shoulder roughly, and grasping it hard. I cringed from the pain, but didn't let him know he was hurting me._

"_Look. Either you supply, or I'll just go." I said with a scowl, shaking his hand from my shoulder._

"_Ha…I like you. Do a line with me, man." he said, causing a smile to curve on my lips._

_------------------_

Peering into the mirror, I clenched my jaw at the sight. This feeling was too familiar. It happened too much. I hated myself, and it was time I did something. What? I didn't know.

Clenching my fist together tightly, so tightly in fact, my short fingernails dug into my palms, and my knuckles were whitened. Drawing my fist back, a lunged it at the mirror, feeling the crack of my knuckles and the smashing of glass against my skin. The shards penetrated my skin, causing me to cry out in pain.

I drew my hand back, the glass stuck like needles in a pin cushion, as I shook my hand, trying to temporarily displace the pain. I pulled a piece out, and cringed from the pain, before a larger shard in the sink caught my attention.

I willed my cut hand open, watching the blood drip onto the counter, before reaching into the sink and pulling the large shard out. I looked at it with awe, and then to the cuts on my hand, realizing the wonderful feeling of being able to feel. Just feeling was enough to make me smile.

Clutching the glass shard tighter in my palm, I watched as it cut through my skin and the blood drip out from around the surrounding glass. I smiled brighter. Taking it to my other fore arm, I made deep penetrations, reveling in the feeling of it.

It was something I felt a lot. But this pain was different. It was controlled. And somehow I liked that. At that moment there wasn't Maddie, or Cody, or even mom. There was just me and my glass shard. And I was reveling in that.

**(A/n) Thanks to all who have reviewed. It's late and I dont really feel like typing everyone. You know who you are and I appreciate it a lot. I hoped you liked this chapter. Review.**


	9. Feeling Like I Am Worth It

Have you ever wondered if you were on someone's mind at all? If you're even worth thinking about? Because I do. I do wonder, almost always, if I'm worth the time that whomever would spend on thinking of me? I wonder if my memory was worth the part of the brain that held it. Is my life even worth the pain of trying to straighten out again? Or is it something that I should just let go of, and let it crumble with the ruins of my past?

My head hurt, as I stared at my laptop screen. I was trying to write down everything my mind was going through, but there was only one word that seemed to repeat itself over and over again: loneliness. Was I really that alone?

Sighing deeply, I stopped typing the word that weighed so strongly on my mind. My head pounded again, and my eyes burned from staring at the screen so long. Groaning, I placed my forehead into my sweaty palms, trying to ease the pain in any way I could think of.

My eyes caught the cuts from the night before, as my palms rest flatly against the center of my forehead. They had already started to heal, and I was glad for it. I wanted to forget that I resorted to that. That I was that weak. Clenching my fists together in a rage, I banged the desk below. With a crashing thud, I heard a shatter.

Throwing my head up quickly to see the damage, I saw the smashed picture frame. The glass was strewn all over the wooden surface. Sighing, I removed my hands from my easing forehead, and stared at the broken frame.

Moving my hand slowly to the broken picture frame, I picked it up, as I maneuvered around the glass as to not stick myself. As I stared at the picture, my breath literally caught in my throat, and I felt the lump in my throat weigh on me almost painfully. It was of my brother and I at the last Christmas before I left. But it wasn't the picture itself that made my breath catch. It was the inscription on the back.

_To Zack,_

_You wont ever see this inscription unless you break the frame, which you probably will…but even if you do, I don't want you to get discouraged, because you get to read this. I love you, and even though we don't always get along, you are the best brother anyone could ask for._

_Your brother and best friend,_

_Cody_

The tears that brimmed my eye lids burned, as I swallowed the large lump in my throat. Nothing made sense to me anymore. Not a damned thing. Why would he write something like that if he hated me? What the hell did I ever do between Christmas and the moment he ruined our relationship forever, to make him hate me so much?

Bringing my right hand to my burning eye, I wiped down the entire length of my face, to quell the painful sensation. Sucking in a breath, I threw the picture down, watching it flop weightlessly behind the desk. Groaning, I stood, flipping my chair backwards, letting it hit the ground hard, before stepping around it with an amplified pace.

I didn't stop until I reached the suite door and that was only for the brief moment where my hand grasped the doorknob, letting me out of the airless pit that I used to call home. My footsteps were quick and light, almost as if I was in a run.

I didn't even notice the elevator ride to the lobby, because the next thing I knew I was outside of the Tipton hotel. Sucking in the air deeply, I smile, if only slightly.

The wind shifts through my hair, tickling my scalp as the strands whip softly in rhythm with the wind movements. I felt this was a never-ending story. Me suffocating and dashing out of the hotel that I called home. A truthful home. A home I was happy to call my own. But now it seemed the never-ending chapter was my suffocation. I suppose it was my story though, and I would take it as the chapters filled in themselves.

A slight vibrate was felt against my leg, causing me to jump slightly before I dug deeply into my pocket and pulling the small phone from it. Who would be calling me? I thought inwardly before looking at the caller ID. "Maddie?" I whispered in disbelief, before flipping it open and pressing it against my ear. "Hello?" I asked, still unsure.

We hadn't talked since our argument, and I didn't know if I could face her after what I had done after leaving. I didn't know if I could lie to her. After all, I never could have before.

"Zack?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Yeah." I answered, feeling the dreadful lump rise in my throat again.

"Uh…can we talk?" she asked me, her voice still hoarse.

I was tired of talking. Tired of everyone trying to calm me down, for fear of me walking back into the depths again. I was tired of being a waiting time bomb, ready to explode at any moment. Tired of people handling me as if I was fragile. Because what they didn't know was that no matter how they treated me, I would probably always be marked with this curse. The curse of weakness.

My attitude was changing again. It went from relief, for being out side and away from suffocation, to regret for my own life…and hate of being treated differently than I had been treated before I left. Breathing heavily into the phone, I was set on the answer I would give her, however it wasn't the one that left my lips. "Yeah." I said to my amazement. "I'll be there in a minute." I finished before flipping my phone closed.

What the hell? Why I did that, I didn't know, but I knew that I wanted to see her, yet I didn't want to be treated like the new Zack. The Zack that was ready to go back into the dark at any moment. The one thing I didn't know, however, was why she would ever want to see me. Especially after what happened. I was a complete waste of her time. _Bobby _should have that time. Because with Bobby, she had a future. Not that she'd want one from me, but is she didn't waste her time, she could spend it wisely preparing for the wonderful future she wanted. The one I wanted for her…

----------------------------------

Standing in front of her door, I felt all color leave my anxious face, leaving it pale. My hand, balled into a slight fist, lifted into the air, ready to knock at the wooden door, yet I hesitated.

What was I doing? I wondered. I couldn't face her. Not after what I had done. Not after yelling at her, not after doing the drugs with the man in the alley, and not after the stupidity I showed from the mutilating of my arm. Because whether I wanted to believe it or not, I _did care _what she thought. I still care. And _they did _have to treat me like a ticking time bomb, because I truly was. And I could and most likely would explode, if mishandled.

Sighing, I let my fists fall to my side, not daring to knock on her door. Turning on my heel, I made to walk away, yet again, something hesitated. Sighing again, but this time more deeply, I leaned backwards against the brick wall of her apartment building. Knocking my head back, too, I hit the wall roughly, before sliding down the length of the wall.

My knees drew in as a chill ran through me from the cold wind. I hugged them tightly, letting a tear fall down the length of my cheek. Why was my life so pathetic? How did I lose control so fast? How did I lose everything? And when did I lose the courage to knock on a fucking door?

Huffing as a lump ran through my throat, I released my knees. The chill of the wind was growing as I rubbed my hands together, rubbing heat into them before bringing my clasped hands to my mouth and blowing hot air into them. It was becoming awfully cold, I thought. "It is Boston, after all." I said tauntingly to myself, just under my breath.

Flashback

Zack's POV

_Groaning, I tried to lift my self with my shaking arms. The pain of my body in taking me, as the crushed lungs tried to work in over time to catch the breath that was lost so many hits ago. I coughed, causing my arms to quake and give, making me crash into the ground below. _

_It seemed only a moment later before I was on my side heaving blood from my mouth, watching it spurt onto the ground like a sprinkler. Gasping for air, I clutched my sides from the strong heaving. I was in so much pain. Too much pain. But not just the physical…a lot of it was emotional. The type of pain you only get from betrayal. And this betrayal was the worst of all. It was the betrayal from my own flesh and blood. _

_------------------------------------_

_Cody's POV_

_Sticky and Bruner led the way for me. Our destination was clear only to them, although I had the general idea of what we were doing. Yet, I didn't know all of the details. And walking in a back alley, I knew I didn't know nearly enough details._

"_Over here." a voice called from the darkness, and I watched as Bruner and Sticky's heads nodded in acknowledgement and I watched as the walked into the darkness._

"_You coming Cody?" Sticky asked. I nodded, following quickly behind them._

_I didn't know why I was helping them. I didn't know what I was doing in this alley. But I knew that I was scared of them and that was a good enough reason to keep quiet for now. And the thoughts of my brother and the worry that carried with them would, also, have to wait._

_Approaching Bruner and Sticky along with a bulkier boy in his late teens, a senior, I though inwardly, before turning to a wiggling figure on the ground._

"_He said he was going to turn us in?" Bruner asked, angrily._

_I gulped. I knew that if anyone ever stood up to Bruner and Sticky they would have to be able to take care of themselves, because no one else would ever dare. And that's what scared me the most, I think. Someone as large as the figure wiggling, being handled by them and this other boy was frightening. And that is when I knew that I had done the right thing by sparing Zack._

"_Yeah…" the older boy answered. "Asshole doesn't realize that its my future he's fucking with!" he finished in a rage, before slinging his foot back, and crashing it into the figures side. I heard the boy gasp from the ground at the kick and I winced as I watched._

"_Stop." Sticky said quickly, and I turned to him, surprised. But that is when I understood that Sticky wasn't being nice, he was being worse, than even I had imagined. I watched as he dug into his pocket, and I watched as he pulled a small item out, I even watched as the blade popped out quickly, but I closed my eyes tightly before I heard the raging screams of someone being stabbed to death._

_End Flashback_

I heard a slight creak of a door, and soon realized it was from the one beside me. The door I dreaded the most. "Zack?" the voice asked, concerned. Shaking from my stupor, I looked up to see a worried Maddie hovering above me. Drawing her black coat tighter, she kneeled.

"What are you doing out here? It's freezing." she said calmly, before grasping my chilled hands, and pulling me up.

"I'm fine." I said barely audible. There was something about her touch that felt genuine and pure.

"Not if you get sick!" she said loudly, sounding more like the old Maddie that I fell in love with so many years ago.

Feeling her grasp my chilled hands tighter and pull me with her inside the warmness of her apartment, I smiled. It was good to feel like someone cared. It felt amazing. And I loved her for that…

**(A/n) Thanks to all who have reviewed. I'm really tired, I've had a freaking long ass day, which is why I'm not putting up my special thanks. But thank you all seriously, without ya'll I would be really insecure about my writing. I need to go for now, sorry for the shortness, but I almost killed my back today after a heck of a check in lacrosse by my teammate, landed me flat on it. It was a great check. A couple packs of ice for a hell of a check that could win a game in the future is so worth it. But anyways you guys dont wanna hear about my lacrosse team so I'm out. lol. Thanks again for who have reviewed! REVIEW NOW!**


	10. The Ying To My Yang

Walking across the threshold to her apartment, the warmness of the air enveloped me. I could feel my body temperature level back to normal, but that wasn't the only warmth I felt. It was from the environment. And even though I should have been wary from being in the same apartment I was not so long ago; the same apartment that I yelled at the love of my life, but I was not.

That confused me. But what confused me more was that ever since the moment that she grasped my hand, and dragged me inside, I had completely forgotten the worries that kept me from knocking in the first place. I didn't know what it was, because let's face it, I am not the smartest man in the world…but I had a feeling that it had something to do with the way I felt about her. And it wasn't on just a romantic level. It was friendship, too. For the first time in a long time I felt that I had a friend. Even despite the argument we had. Despite everything…I still I had a friend.

Watching her hips sway slightly as she led me to the living room, I felt a shudder roll down my spine. Chill bumps rose against my skin, and I felt myself smirk slightly, watching her sway almost rhythmically.

The clanking of my shoes against the hardwood floor, knocked me from my stupor. It was strange, that even the smallest of noises could waver my lustful concentration, but I knew that it probably wasn't just the noise, but rather my conscience.

Clearing my throat softly, I looked around the room. I smiled at the beautiful decoration of the living quarters, which had dim lights that made the entire room form together comfortably. I watched as she led me to the familiar couch, where china cups filled with coffee sat in front of it, atop the coffee table.

The fresh aroma, filled my nostrils, and tickled my senses, as I neared. The steam swayed gently over the black liquid, and my concentration followed it up to the cookie jar-which was filled with freshly made peanut butter cookies-that matched the beautifully sketched china cups.

I sat on the plump couch, allowing the softness to intake my body, and feeling the fabric sink as it in took hers as well. I looked to her with anxiousness, waiting to hear anything she was ready to tell me, because I knew that this was no ordinary schmoozing session.

"This seems really formal, doesn't it?" she said, a slight smile cracking from the corner of her lips.

"Somewhat, I suppose." I replied, formally as to turn into a joke. She smiled spiritedly before smacking my arm slightly. "I like that." I said suddenly, catching her hand, and obviously confusing her. "Seeing you smile, I mean. I hated making you cry." I corrected, grasping her hands tighter, yet still gently, trying to calm them from their swaying.

"Yeah our argument is why I called you…" she said sincerely, relaxing her hands into mine. "I hate fighting with you, Zack. I once told you that you are very special to me…And even with you being different, it hasn't changed." she finished letting a tear seep down her soft cheek to her slightly trembling lips.

"And I hate fighting with you….because I once told _you _that you were special to me, too, except in a different way…And even with me being different it still hasn't changed." I replied, bringing our intertwined hands to my lips, before kissing them tenderly.

This was strange; my gentleness. I hadn't been gentle towards anything, or anyone in so long. I didn't even remember the last time I touched someone this tenderly….so lovingly. Even when I first arrived, I had tried to drive her away, a fine example was two nights ago, when I was in this very apartment, being slapped.

The surge that I felt when my lips touched the velvetiness of her hand was too much. The feelings were too great, and even though I had forgotten the initial reasons that I hadn't knocked on the door in the first place, I knew that I couldn't avoid the issue for too long. I didn't know if I could lie to her, and not telling her-the person who was trying to help me- would be lying. It was all just too much. So much, in fact, that I dropped her hands quickly, before clearing my throat and facing away from her.

"So, uh…How is everything in school?" I asked trying to urge the conversation far away from the subject that weighed on my mind; my drug abuse.

"Harvard's anything but fun and games, but I like it." she replied, almost questioningly. "Zack?…look at me…" she finished warily. I didn't. Instead I looked straight ahead, avoiding her gaze, and staring at the still steaming coffee, which had went untouched. "You're still going to go to your meetings, right?" she asked, almost knowingly. I nodded. I wanted to be better, and I would do anything to make sure it happened…to make sure that this desolate illness was cured…

-----------------------------------------

Walking into he and Zack's room, Cody went straight to his closet to retrieve another shirt. Sifting through the different fabrics, he finally came upon a black button down, that would go perfectly with the occasion. He smiled, before moving the other shirts out of the way, with a smooth motion. He lifted the black shirt along with its hanger, before bringing it back to his bed and laying it gently across the mattress.

He had been interning at a law firm this year, as the school he intended supported ten of the highest academically forward teenagers to do so, so that they would be prepared before actually walking the threshold into college life. And as he had been interning for five months, and had been the most spirited to do the work, he had been invited to their annual black and white ball.

Pulling his sweater vest over his head, he balled it up and shot it into the laundry basket like a basketball, before repeating the action with his white and green pin stripe. Raking his hands through his newly shortened hair -due to a long over due hair appointment this afternoon- he picked up his black shirt.

Pulling it off of the hanger, he slung the shirt over his right arm before throwing the hanger onto the bed, and pulling his left arm through. The softness of the fabric, felt good against his skin, and he wondered why he hadn't wore it more often.

Walking to the mirror above their desk he started buttoning the shirt, but stopped midway up when he saw the shattered picture frame on the desk below, as well as the overturned chair. How he didn't realized the chair before, he didn't know, but he remembered the picture that he had put into the broken frame. It was the one he had given Zack as a Christmas present one year, with an inscription on the back of the photo. He sighed before finishing the buttoning on his shirt and turning on his heel to retrieve his white tie.

He told his mother about what happened the night Zack had disappeared, and to say she had taken it well would be one hell of an overstatement, but it wasn't that she took it badly. In fact, she took it better than expected, but that was partly because she hadn't smacked him.

She was disappointed and angry, but she assured him that it would be fine. Cody was happy that he got it off of his chest. Happy to be able to sleep a full night for the first time in two years.

Slinging his tie around his neck, and tying it, he sighed. He just wish that everything would be back to normal, but most of all he wished that they were twelve years old again. Before he had even met Bruner and Sticky….before he ever got involved with them…

Flashback

_Cody's POV_

_My nerves shook within me as I heard the last gasps of air being taken by the man struggling on the ground. I kept my eyes closed tightly, as I heard their laughs of pleasure at this disgusting situation. "You want a stab to yourself, Codester?" Sticky asked, his voice full of glee._

_  
You'd think that it was a child at Christmas rather than a teenager that had just stabbed someone. And the fact that there was no remorse for what he had done, and the fact that he was gleeful about ending a human life, scared the hell out of me. Gulping quickly, I knew I had to open my eyes, and I knew that I had to act quickly, or my fate would be the same as the poor soul on the ground._

"_No thanks, man. My hand still hurts from the beating I laid on Zack." I replied. "Ya know?" I asked rhetorically, and seeing Sticky's face turn into a smirk, I knew that I had came up with an answer that satisfied him._

_Seeing his hand rise into the air again, caused me to stiffen from the movement, and wince at the sight of blood all over the blade and his hand. I wondered what he was doing, but I soon got my answer as I saw him draw his arm further back and release the blade in a throw at the victims head._

_It all went into slow motion as the knife whirled in the air before it hit its destination. I winced as I watched the knife strike the dead mans eyeball, and penetrate deeply until there was almost no blade visible. The blood spurted out, as if it was a zit being popped. (A/N: Yeah I know….pretty nasty) I cringed again, before sucking a breath in. All I could remember going through my mind was: What the hell had I gotten myself into?_

_------------------------------_

_Zack's POV_

_Struggling to my feet, I grabbed whatever I could to keep my balance before leaning against the wall. I cried out deeply as the pain throughout my body pounded at me. I had to be wailing loudly, but I was in the ballroom, and I knew that I could not be heard._

_Grasping my side, I began my struggled walk out the door. I couldn't let mom see me like this. And I knew that there was no way sneaking back in. It was only meant to be a walk, but as I got to thinking…I realized that if my brother, my own flesh and blood, would betray me, what would stop anyone else? Morals? It sure as hell didn't stop, Cody…the most moral person I ever knew…_

_End Flashback_

_(BACK TO MADDIE AND ZACK)_

Sipping the hot coffee, I relished in how refreshing it was. I smiled, turning to Maddie, watching as she bit into a cookie. "Do you want to watch a movie?" she asked. And I smiled as she got up and walked to the DVD rack.

"Sure…" I replied with mirth, because she hadn't actually waited on my answer. She turned her head over her shoulder to smile at me before asking my help. Setting my cup down, I arose from the comfortable couch to help her look for a movie.

Not realizing what I was doing, I approached her from behind, my stomach touching her back, as my chin hovered over her shoulder. I reached around her to skim over the title, feeling her body heat envelop me, but I also felt her shiver against me.

"You cold?" I asked looking to her, but finding my face amazingly close to her own.

"No!" she said in a squeaking tone, causing me to laugh.

"Okay…" I replied unsurely, before moving my left hand to her waist to guide her away from the DVD rack, so I could see. That slight movement was all it took for my hand to electrify against her. I cleared my throat softly but kept my hand in place against her waist. "How about this one?" I asked.

"Oh my God…figures…" she said, before rolling her eyes and stomping off towards the couch and plopping down onto the softness.

"What? It's a great movie which shows intellectual artists at work." I replied, slyly, moving towards the DVD player.

"It's 'Slaven,' Zack…not the 'Notebook'." she replied, with a laugh.

"Ah, but there are different types of arty movies, sweet thang…" I replied, mirth clear all over my face, before playing the DVD and walking back to the couch.

"Alright…we'll call it 'arty'." she replied sarcastically, causing me to smile, before I jumped lightly onto her, tickling her sides. I laughed, as she began to writhe excitedly beneath me, trying to move me off. "Zack….get….off….." she said in between laughs.

"What if I don't?" I asked, cockily.

"Get…off…." she yelled, between laughs, growing out of breath. I laughed, before sliding off of her gently. "I cant believe you…" she said with a smirk, before straightening up her shirt.

"…are so unbelievably hot?" I asked cockily, before sliding closer. "Yeah…I know it's hard to believe." I finished, leaning my head back onto my intertwined hands. I watched her jaw drop slightly in the corner of my eye, before seeing her leap onto me. I gasped, before falling backwards, letting the plump softness intake me once again.

It was evident that she hadn't planned on the course of action she took, because once she leapt onto me, we didn't move. And our faces were mere inches from one another's. I felt her hot breath steam against my chin, and I felt like a moth to light as I moved towards her warm breath.

It seemed like an eternity until my lips pressed firmly against hers; until my world slipped away, as it was only us. And nothing else seemed important. I felt whole as our lips met, because Maddie was my other half. The Ying to my Yang. She completed everything that I was and everything that I am.

I trailed my hands softly down her bare arms, causing goose bumps to form where my hand had been, like a road. A road of the unknown to me, as I traced my tongue over her bottom lip, begging for entrance. Not just literally but entrance into her heart, which she had never allowed me into, entrance into a deeper part of her life, which, too, was unknown.

It was as if a force of nature willed her mouth open to make the kiss more passionate and real than anything I had ever experienced. And being on the streets for two years; I was experienced. But that was a story for no time at all, because I wished I could forget it, because kissing her now, made me realize that I had missed this feeling of realness all those other times.

I slipped my tongue into the unknown territory, the territory I had always dreamt of exploring but never actually believing I would have. I reveled in the fact that I had been wrong and enjoyed it, as a shocking jolt of passionate electricity ran through me, when my tongue met hers. And as soon as they met, they intertwined and danced as if doing a salsa dance like no other.

My hands explored her body, as if trying to learn it, because in my mind, that may be the only time I have to explore the unknown, yet beautiful terrain. Traveling back to her waist, I rested them there, as to concentrate deeper on the fiery kiss that caused my breath to run short, and I was sure that if I was standing my feet would quake beneath me.

I was on top of the very universe, until we broke for air. I smiled at her, but it quickly faded when I saw the confusion shift into her eyes, but not just confusion showed. But…regret…

**(A/N) Yeah, there isnt going to be much happiness in this story yet, unfortunately. I hope you guys like this chapter, it took me almost all day to complete, and hopefully the rest of this week and this weekend will be enough time to complete chapters in my other stories. My new stories wont come out until at least one of these stories are completed, because I have noooo time. Sorry guys. I have gotten many PM's about 'Not Too Young Anymore' and it will be up immediately after Open Mic Night, which, it looks like, is going to be the first one finished. But fortunately, it still has a long way to go. But anyways thanks to everyone who have reviewed. I hope you guys liked it. **

**Bare with me, if this chapter seemed kinda stupid, because it's quite important later. Maddie/Zack will be a really long running thing...and of course Cody and Zack's relationship has to be long running...because this entire story is basically about what happened the night that Zack left. I think there was something else I wanted to say, but I cant remember so I guess we're ending this..and I hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving! Please REVIEW...**


	11. Trivial Matters Can Make Large Mistakes

"Uh…" was all she said. And the way it trailed from her lips told me that the kiss was unwelcome.

"I'll go." I said suddenly, flipping her gently off of me, before standing and heading out of the living room.

"Zack …wait!" she called after me, following my steps to the door. I could hear the slight pangs of her footsteps, but I continued my pace to the exit.

"I get it…you don't have to explain." I said almost pleadingly, hoping I wouldn't have to hear another rejection leave her lips. I reached for the door, and sprung it open, trying to make an escape. I let the chilling air hit me, and I was ready to dive into the coldness; anything to get away from the rejection of Maddie.

"No you don't get it!" she said suddenly, catching up to me and closing the door just as suddenly as it was open.

"Get out of the way, Maddie…" I warned.

"Not until you hear what I have to say." she said before tugging my shirt forcefully and pulling me back to the living room. "Sit!" she yelled, pushing me on the couch with more force than necessary.

I noticed her facial expression turned into a serious one. I didn't know why she found it necessary to tell me what I already knew. I didn't know why she found it necessary to rip my heart out and watch as it bled into my soul, soaking in that I would never have her…causing my world to crash and burn. "Now…that-" she started, but the ding of the doorbell interrupted her thought immediately.

"Yeah…perfect…" I said sarcastically, watching her walk to the door. I caught myself, once again, watching her hips sway gently to the rhythm of her steps. "Stop that!" I whispered loudly to myself. It was a time I should have been angry at her…but for what? Not wanting me? Because when you think about it, she never led me to believe that there was ever going to be an "us".

Training my ears, I listened intently to see who was at the door, but my heart stopped when I heard a male voice just before a sudden smack of the lips. I nodded silently, before getting up, and heading for the nearest bottom floor window. I didn't want to start an argument. And I didn't want the awkwardness to persist--like it very well would-- when he came in the living room.

Luckily the dining area, just off the living room had a window. I unlocked the latches on the pane and guided the glass upwards, planting one foot firmly on the ground, and guiding the rest of my body out after it. I was relieved to feel the chilling air nip at my cheeks. I was relieved to be out of there.

---------------------------------

Smoothing the paint brush against the canvas, I smiled, reviling in the fact that it relieved a lot of stress. Stress that was quickly building on me. The colors seemed to run together brilliantly in a way that I always loved. Painting. It was something that got me through things in New York. The mural of Maddie took fifteen days. The first fifteen. The hardest days of my life.

Flashback

_(Zack's POV)_

_Groaning loudly, I held my side as I lay on the bus stop bench. I needed a rest. I had walked ten miles to the bus stop. Ten painful miles. Painful, not just because of the beating I had endured, but the pain of knowing what caused the pain in the first place._

_I had only wanted to wait until an appropriate time to sneak back into the suite. Sometime in the morning, possibly when mom went to the ballroom for an early show. But I didn't stop, and seeing the bus stop made my mind click in a way almost philosophical. I don't know when I made up my mind on leaving. Especially to New York, a place so far from Boston, but it was made up. And when my mind was made up there was no stopping me._

_Hearing the squeal of the bus as it stopped, I knew it was time. Clenching my side, I leaned upwards, the pain shooting through my side like a thousand knives, but I didn't care. I had to get away…far away. I stood and made my first step away from the life that I had loved for so long. The life that was my own. The life of Zackary Martin._

_----------------------------------_

_(Cody's POV)_

_It seems trivial, the reason I joined the company of the likes of Sticky and Bruner. I was scared. Of them. Of the role they played in the world. Their world. It was scary to think that a human life had just been ended over something as insignificant as a curve in a high school algebra class._

_Cheating was only the diminutive word to what they were doing. They were selling a spot. A spot to future society. Kids that couldn't pass were the ones who would soon make A's. The kids who made A's would soon make D's and F's._

_I know. Stupid. But as stupid and trivial as it was, I had to help them. For my future. Not just academically, but my future on earth. If Sticky and Bruner would stab someone to death over them finding out about their plan, what would they do to someone who wouldn't help them?_

_I couldn't believe I was involved in something so malicious. And I couldn't believe they had put actions towards the evil deeds for a grade in school. Stupid. Trivial. And I was demeaning myself by accompanying them on their malevolent journey._

_((A/N) Yeah I know stupid reason to kill someone, but you'll find more out about it later.)_

_--------------------------------_

_  
End Flashback_

"Zack?" Cody called from the door, after a slight peck of the fist against the wooden door.

"What the hell do you want?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"To talk to you…we haven't talked…really talked since--" he started. But I couldn't take it anymore. Hearing his voice made my blood run cold and my fists clench tightly, causing splinters, from the wooden handle on the paintbrush, to deepen into my palms. I interrupted him, before he could go any further.

"Since when!? The day you left me for dead in the ballroom?!" I asked, throwing my hands in the air with rage, my paintbrush dropping to the floor.

"I didn't leave you for dead!" Cody replied, loudly walking towards me. All I remember thinking was that he better not lay a hand on me. And when his hand met my shoulder, my hand went into his jaw. Hard…

**(A/N) Yeah...I havent updated anything in a while, and this is really short, but I have a good reason for that...a bunch of reasons actually...One, I've been seriously busy with my school work. Two, I've had to babysit my little sister three days in a row, because she's been "Sick". Three, I've had two gigs in a week and last night was one of them...it was AWESOME! Four, I'm busy with practices...(My schedule sucks...) And five, I've been working on my other stories as well, trying to take them where I want to go...**

**Oh and if you guys dont like how that whole Cody, Bruner and Sticky thing happened so far...I'm sorry...but I didnt want to go for drugs or any thing else "predictable" I know its stupid, but Sticky and Bruner obviously arent smart and if teachers give bad grades to bad people there are going to be "consequences" or whatever...but anyways yeah...you still dont have the whole story of how that came about. And the flashbacks werent much. The next flashback is going to be mostly Zack again because of his first day in New York...but anyways I hope you guys liked it anyways...PEACE!**

**Hayden **


	12. Old Zack Returns

His face flung strangely to the side with force, spit mixed with blood flinging powerfully from his mouth as he did so. My hand shot with pain, as I grasped it tightly. I watched him grab his face, after the force of the blow forced him onto his knees.

He looked to me. An odd expression across his now beaten face. Spitting onto the ground, the blood still running down his chin, he forced himself to a stand.

"I disserved that. And now we're even so can we talk now?" Cody said, holding his jaw, while a painful expression played over his face.

"Even?" I laughed. "Twelve more, if I remember correctly!" I finished angrier, with no laughter in my voice whatsoever.

"If I let you hit me twelve more times…will you listen?" Cody asked, desperately, taking his hand from his jaw, and standing up straight to me.

I was without words. I didn't know why it was so important for me to hear him out. Like he could make a difference. But I remember thinking, 'This could be fun…'. That was until I thought of the two years of homelessness I endured. Two years of being unloved and unwanted…or at least feeling as if I was.

"You know what? It isn't worth half of the pain you caused me!" I said, shoving him powerfully in the chest. He hissed loudly as my hand forced into his chest.

"What about the pain I had!?" Cody yelled back, shoving me too. "Please…I have to tell you! Hit me…kick me…whatever the hell you have to do just listen!" he breathed, tears threatening to escape him as they brimmed the edge of his eyes. He crouched lowly, until he sat, putting his head into his hands. I listened to him breath heavily. I knew that breath. All too well. It was the breath of holding back tears. Forceful tears…

---------------------------------------

Cody's POV

I had to let him hear me out. But I knew it wouldn't make a damn difference! It pained me to watch the hatred of me show in his eyes. I wished he knew. About everything. What I had to do to protect him. What I witnessed later that night. And what happened when I refused Bruner and Sticky. And if it took twelve hits, a hundred hits, even a million hits, I wanted him to hear what I had to say.

My chest still burned from where he shoved me…where his hands ground into the cut flesh. The cut flesh of my chest…what was left of it anyways. After Bruner and Sticky got finished with me, I was lucky to be alive. I was lucky to have the chance to even see my brother again.

Rubbing my chest, trying to avoid his gaze, as tears threatened powerfully against my burning eyes. Apparently he saw me rubbing the cut fleshed over my shirt, because what he said next was something I never thought I'd hear from my brother. Something I never hoped he'd know of.

"I didn't shove you that hard…that means…you wronged a gang. And they took whatever you owed them from your chest…right?" Zack said, sitting next to me.

My breath stopped completely. I knew he had to have went through hard times in New York. Hell, it was obvious looking into his eyes. He was a drug addict, as well as an alcoholic. And any one of that stature in a big city, with no job, no money, no home, would have to have gone through something in order to stay in a high that fit them well.

I looked to him, to see a horror stricken expression plastered on his slightly pale face. "Yeah…that's what I thought…Sticky and Bruner?" he asked, the horror still there, but I knew that there was also anger. Anger at me. Anger at Sticky and Bruner. And anger at himself.

"Yeah…" I answered quietly, looking to my now interlocked hands, which lay on my knees.

"Great friends…" he replied sarcastically, yet angry.

"They aren't my friends…and never were!" I yelled to him. "That's what I'm trying to tell you!"

"Tell me what exactly! That you beat the hell outta me for two guys that aren't even your friends?" he yelled, standing up to stare down at me. However, I stood too.

"No…they were never my friends…I was scared of them…I did what I was asked. They killed people, Zack! What do you think they'd do to me if I didn't help? I got off easy, because I _did _help them to begin with!" I replied, moving my shirt up to give him an example first hand. I watched as his eyes glazed over and cringed at the lack of flesh that I knew inhabited my body.

"I knew that they'd kill you! Or close to it! I told you to go back to bed! Why didn't you just listen!" I yelled loudly, tears flowing vividly from my eyes, causing a force I didn't even know I had escape with the words that left my mouth, and suddenly I felt drained. My eyes rolled quickly to the back of my head, as I felt shivery, before I lost complete consciousness, and the world around me grow dark.

-------------------------------------------------

Zack's POV again

It was as if the old Zack overpowered the new one when I talked to Cody just now. The old Zack was still so angry at Cody, but he still held a soft spot for him. And now, I was thankful I hadn't had a demeaning substance. And I was happy that I had gotten help. And though I knew I was still an addict, and I wouldn't be healed for a long time, I knew that the old Zack only came from being sober.

Hearing that he was trying to protect me caused the soft spot that I held for him to grow somewhat into a mattress, saving our relationship from the dreadful fall that had been in the making for two years. And seeing the flesh that had been taken from him for doing the right thing caused my anger to rise at whomever did it. But most importantly, seeing his eyes roll to the back of his head, before watching him crumple, as I did before, caused horror to be filled into my senses, and burn my soul. I flung myself onto him, trying to awaken him.

As I cradled my brother in my lap, I smacked his cheeks gently but quickly trying to awaken him. The rational part of my mind telling me that he would be fine, because it was only caused by stress. Stress from the situation that he was just in. But another part, an intuitive part, telling me that it was more than that. That something was very wrong….

Flashback

Cody's POV

"_Alright…it's almost finished…" I said finishing the grades from Mr. Johenkin's computer in his classroom. One last click, and it would be finished. I would be done with Sticky and Bruner. Or at least that's what I told myself every time I asked myself why I was doing this. One more click…_

"_What's going on in here!" the janitor, who had just stormed through the door asked loudly, causing Bruner and Sticky to whirl around from me._

_I watched as Bruner's face grew somewhat scared, and I watched as Sticky grew a smile. An evil smile. A smile that could freeze the devil himself into a chilled fearfulness. And once again I saw him dig into his shirt, and pull out the familiar knife._

"_Cody, this one's all you…" Sticky said, handing me the knife._

_I froze. I didn't know what to do. Grasping the knife roughly, I gulped, feeling the lump in my throat pound feverishly against the walls in my neck. I stood from the desk, before walking towards the man. A frightened expression petrified him into an almost stoned state. I couldn't believe what I was going to do._

_Drawing my hand over my head, knife pointing outward and continuing forward, I clenched my teeth, before drawing the knife down forcefully, letting it hit it's not-so-desired target._

_I listened as Sticky gasped. I knew I had done the right thing. I knew. Smiling, I looked to the knife, which had stuck into the target perfectly…. The target being the desk._

_I felt proud. I had allowed the janitor time to run. But that's where my plan had faltered. Because when he left, he had left me behind. Me behind with Sticky and Bruner as the only other company…_

_-----------------------------------------_

_Zack's POV_

_I was scared, as I gazed at each of the unfamiliar buildings. I walked with a great pace towards….what? I didn't know anything here. I began to think that this wasn't a good decision. A bad decision, actually. Images of Maddie, seemed to fill my mind. Why? I wasn't sure. But they had. I saw her beautiful smile, and it caused me to do just that. I saw her golden hair sway perfectly across her chest, and the attention calling to the chest wasn't unwelcome to say the least. _

_Laughing slightly at the ironic situation, I grasped my side which had just stung powerfully. I knew my face had to have been messed up, but I wasn't concerned with it. Because at the moment I felt no pain in my face. It was numb. And that, for now, was alright._

_Walking until my feet hurt, I found myself in front of a store of some kind, before I sliding down the brick and allowing my feet some rest. I began to wonder if I had overreacted by leaving everything I loved behind over one person. But I soon realized that it wasn't an overreaction. Because he was my brother. And not just my brother. My twin. My other half._

_I felt cold. I hadn't gotten anything from my room. Nothing. And for that, I was sorry. Because there was no way I could get it now. From all the way across the country. Unless? I smiled, thinking of someone who would never expect a thing. Someone who could get a few belongings of mine without a question. Bob. He had a key to my room anyways. He could easily get a few sets of clothes and a sleeping bag. And that's what I did. I ran to the nearest pay phone…well not actually ran, more like waddled like an injured penguin but I had gotten there nonetheless. I dialed the familiar number of Bob's cell phone._

"_Hello?" a groggy Bob answered._

"_Bob? Hey this is Zack." I said. "Dude, I need you to do something for me. I'm not going to be home tomorrow, I'm at a cousins house and I need you to send a couple of things of mine here to New York. I have to find out the address to where you need to send it, but I need you to get some clothes and a sleeping bag…So get those and I'll call you in a little while with an address" I said, proud of the lie I had just produced._

"_Dude do you know what time it is!?" Bob yelled._

"_Oh…umm…yeah, but I really need those things, and I needed to let you know to get them, and I'll get that address for you later, so will you do it?" I asked, hopeful._

"_Dude whatever! Anything to get you off of this phone!" he yelled, before I heard the click of a hang up._

_I didn't know what address to give him, hopefully I would find something…and soon…._

_--------------------------------------------_

_End Flashback_

His head dangled over my lap, as I reached for the phone. I dialed three digits. That was all it would take to make sure that my brother was okay. Nine…one…one…and it was okay. Everything would be okay. A tear fell freely from my right eye, landing on Cody's cheek. What happened? I didn't know. But hopefully I would soon find out.

No matter how much I hated him. I still loved him. And right now, I didn't want him to die. He couldn't die. Not now…

-------------------------------------------

They had taken him. In the ambulance. And away from my grasp. I hated feeling helpless. But that's what I was. Helpless. It's what I had always been. And it's what I would always be. I found there was no where to go. And I needed help. I couldn't go to Maddie. _Bobby_ was there. _Bobby…_fuck _Bobby!_ I couldn't go to mom. She was at the hospital. Where I should be, but no matter how hard I tried to push myself, I felt I had no right. No right at all to be there. So here I am, standing in front of the rehab center. A _fucking_ rehab center. I need help, and I go to a _fucking _rehab center….

**(A/N) Well, what'd you think? Next chapter get's really intense. Flashbacks get really graphic and Maddie and Zack talk... I want to thank some of you for your support in the last chapter...**


	13. The Ways of The Broken To Fight Back

Have you ever wondered if it's too late for you? Too late to be happy? Too late to get help? That's what I feel at this very moment. And I know how some people say it's never too late. But I know differently. Sometimes it is too late. Sometimes the hole you fall into is too deep to even see the smallest speck of the brightest light. Sometimes there is only darkness….What if it's too late for me?

"It's not too late for you, Zack." Tom, the counselor, said after I voiced my opinion. "And I agree, it is too late for some. But not you. Because as long as you see the old you, the better you, it is never too late. Because in the end the good always outweighs the bad."

He sat, legs propped against his desk, looking diagonally at me from across the desk. I had been sitting in his office for a good three hours. Talking. I needed someone. Anyone. I needed to hear someone say that it was going to be alright. That Cody would be alright. Damn myself. I didn't give a shit about my problems at the moment. And though, I seemed to care about Cody, it seemed like a larger part still hated him. And that's why I asked Tom if it was too late. I didn't want to hate Cody. But it seemed almost inevitable.

"And what if I don't see the old me?" I asked defiantly.

"You do. And that's what scares you the most." he replied with a slight smirk.

"Why the hell would that scare me? I want to get better!" I replied, standing from my seat, almost challengingly.

"No you don't!" he replied, standing, just as challengingly, his long blond hair flailing sharply into his face. "You need this excuse to not let anyone in, Zack! Because you're afraid of getting hurt again! Cody broke your trust! Maddie always rejected you! You don't want to let them in! You're so scared that if you do get better it _still_ wont mean happiness! You're afraid of yourself! The new you is just rejecting any hopes of becoming better, because _you-_old or new-are comfortable leaving people at a distance!"

Clenching my jaw, my eyes narrowed. My fists tightened, and my breath flew out of my expanding nostrils, before I turned on my heel and walked towards the door like a bull towards a rodeo clown.

"Do that Zack. Admit to the fear that you hold for yourself. Because by walking away, that's exactly what you're doing. You aren't trying to overcome anything. You're being weak." Tom said calmly, sitting back down. I halted in my steps.

"Do you think you can help me?" I asked, defeated.

"No." he said, causing me to lose all hope within myself. Not that there was much to begin with. "That's your job. And I _know _you can do it." he finished, surely.

My lips curled into a slight smile, before I turned back to him. He smiled in return, gesturing for me to sit at the chair-unbeknownst to me- I had knocked over.

-----------------------------------------------

Looking at her son in such a vulnerable state caused Carey to choke in a sudden sob. Cody hadn't been in the hospital since _that _night. The night that she lost both of her sons in one way or another. Back then though, she thought it coincidental, but now she knew otherwise. She knew what Cody had done, and she thought that in the end it was for the best. If he hadn't done what he done, Zack would be literally dead instead of just figuratively.

Cody had lied that night, two years ago. He said that he'd been on East Street, crossing the bridge when two men came out of the darkness with a blade, and began hacking at his chest. But now she knew differently. Now she knew what really happened….

Flashback

CODY'S POV (The way he told his mother)

_Coming towards me, the anger obviously playing in his eyes, Sticky smiled. I was amazed that he could smile even after being as angry as he clearly was. But it was Sticky. He was visualizing the pain etching across my face as he struck me with whatever force he was planning._

_My gaze didn't waver from Sticky the entire time. Even when Bruner pulled my arms forcefully behind my back causing me to cry out as the sockets in my shoulder blades gave out. Two types of tears burned my eyes. The tears of fear, from seeing Sticky pull the knife roughly from the desk and walk towards me, the same sly smile as before. And the tears of pain, feeling my shoulder blades press powerfully at my flesh, begging to penetrate the skin._

"_Pull his shirt up!" Sticky commanded, and Bruner obeyed._

_My shirt was pulled over my head, not allowing me to see anymore. I didn't know what they were planning, but I knew it was bad, because I heard even Bruner gasp in disgust just as a cold metal feeling slid over my chest, and before I knew it the greatest pain I have ever had to endure commenced._

_I could feel the cold metal pierce into my flesh, cutting deeply into a vertical slash. I screamed in anguish, feeling the blood seep from burning flesh. My nerves shook inside me, causing me to writhe in pain as the blade continued deeper, yet not deep enough to kill me, before doing a 360 inside of my chest. _

_I could feel my mouth foam in anguish, as he took the knife out, pulled it back, and struck my chest again, this time digging horizontally. "Sticky, man! That's enough!" Bruner screamed in anguish, almost as if it was he beneath the knife. I could feel the relief in my shoulders as he let me go, before my feet quaked from beneath me, causing me to fall hard onto the tiled floor._

_End Flashback_

She sniffled a bit from the thought of her son going through something like that. She laughed slightly at the irony. A panic attack. He had a panic attack over talking to his brother, but he didn't even appear to be phased-other than physically- after enduring that painful circumstance two years ago.

"He's going to be fine, Carey." Kurt said, as he entered the room.

"I know." she said, grasping Cody's hand gently before massaging her thumb over the back of his hand. "I better call Zack and tell him it was only a slight panic attack caused by stress. He seemed worried." she finished before kissing Cody lightly on the forehead, and leaving the room.

-------------------------------------------

Maddie was worried. Not for Cody, who she had just heard had a panic attack. But for Zack, who she had just rejected. She knew that it wasn't like before when she would reject him. Because this time it was more than that. It was dangling some hope in front of him before yanking it away completely. She hadn't meant to do that. Not at all. She was actually going to explain that before Bobby arrived.

He was a great boyfriend. Kind and sincere and everything she had always looked for in a guy, yet there was something missing. Something that she felt when Zack was around. Something that she couldn't explain, yet something so powerful and pure that even the best looking guy in the world couldn't harbor for her. She didn't want to think of it. She didn't want to believe it at all. That she could want anything that Zackary Martin had to offer was absurd, after all. Wasn't it?

Especially now. Now that he had bigger problems to deal with. He had to get better and help himself let Cody back into his life before Maddie would even think on her feelings. Because this Zack wasn't the Zack that she felt best around. In fact the only way she could even tolerate being around him as of late was because she saw the old Zack shine over the new one each and every time they were together.

She had tried to call him after the incident between the two of them, but no luck, as he wouldn't even answer her calls. Yet she wouldn't give up as she paced her living room in her pin stripe pajamas, waiting for her phone to ring.

However, something else happened, as she heard a knock spark from her door. Sighing, she turned on her heel towards the door to see just who the visitor was. She knew for a fact that it wouldn't be Zack. He was angry. And Zack being the most stubborn person she had ever met, she knew it wouldn't be him. But Maddie had been surprised about a multitude of things as of lately. Seeing the most special person in the world to her show up a drug addict after two years of being away being one of them. And now seeing the same boy, however stubborn he was, standing at her door awaiting entrance with an anxious expression.

"Hey…we need to talk." he said urgently, pushing passed her. Her eyes were wide with confusion when he made the first move to talk.

---------------------------------

Cody was alright. Mom told me. I was ecstatic that I had been wrong with his condition. But surprised. Because fate hated me. Who in the hell would blame me for expecting the worse? No one.

After meeting with Tom, I knew it was time for Maddie and I to talk about my real feelings for her. I knew it was time for us to come to some sort of terms in order to save our friendship before one of us ruined it. But seeing her awaiting eyes, I didn't know if I could do what I came here to do…

**(A/N) Well...I hope you liked that Chapter! I really appreciate everyone's reviews. I want you all to know that at the end of the story you all get the credit you deserve. This is A part...B part should be up soon, should being a MAJOR word here. Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! And also this story I would say has like 10 more chapters...maybe more maybe less. Hard to tell, depends on when I decide to be a dick by leaving a cliffhanger. lol. Well I wish you all a safe New Year's. This will be updated by New Year's though, because I plan on having the B part have to do with New Years Eve. Well, I realize that there may be a few mistakes. I'm not in the mood to really re read...sorry...hopefully there isnt anything to big.**

**H.P.**


	14. AN

A/N HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN CONTINUE TO THE NEXT CHAPTER


	15. Plan To Be Someone

Her brown eyes glistened with a haze and her eyebrows twisted unusually with confusion. I knew I had to say something to put her confusion to ease. Because if I knew Maddie the way I thought I did, she didn't like to be confused for too long.

"Today was the hardest day of my life…" I started quickly, before she stopped me.

"Why don't you sit down?" she asked me, pointing to the couch. I nodded, taking a quick and hurried stride to the couch, before plopping down and getting right back to what I had to say. I had to say it quickly because it was urgent. And I needed her to know before I chickened out.

"Today was the hardest day of my life and I realized that I couldn't turn to you-" I said hurriedly before she again interrupted me.

"Yes you could have! I'm always here for you, Zack!" she yelled, a little anger.

"Would you shut up! I'm trying to say this, and neither of us is going to get anywhere unless I do!" I yelled, shutting her up immediately.

"Like I was _saying!_ I couldn't turn to you. And that made it even harder for me. Because through this whole thing you've been helping me. You helped me get into a rehab center. Everything. You've been there. But today I couldn't come to you. I couldn't bring myself to come back after what happened last night.

"I acted so stupid. I knew you could never return my feelings but I persisted and acted like an idiot when you turned me away. Crawling out the window when your boyfriend showed up, I mean how stupid!? But today knowing that I messed our friendship up, making it even more awkward than it already was--with me having the crush on you when I was twelve--I was at an even lower low.

"Cody was in the hospital after explaining to me what happened, and I had no one to go to. But then I thought of Tom, my counselor. The counselor _you _recommended me to. Bit of an ass when you piss him off, but anyways not the point…. He helped me understand that I'm pushing you away. And I'm using Bobby and my persistent behavior to do it.

"He helped me understand that I know you don't have any deeper feelings for me, and by kissing you I was pushing you away. Giving myself a reason to hate you. And Bobby giving me a way to make you feel guilty. I love you Maddie. And I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing. Today helped me with that. I would rather have you any day than have Tom, the counselor.

"Besides…you've helped me more than you know. Your image kept me going in my first two weeks in New York, but the constant picture of you got me through the two years I spent away. I cant lose you again. I want you. And if it's just as a friend, then I can accept that. But you have to tell me straight up…because, Maddie, I cant handle switching positions with you. If I'm your friend, I'm your friend. If you want more, then I want more." I finished, sounding pretty much like a blabbering idiot, but finding tears in her eyes, I knew I must have said something that she understood.

"I probably should have prepared a speech so it wouldn't have been so long and blabbered." I said with a slight laugh. "Well?" I asked, anxiously.

"You didn't push me away. You pushed yourself away last night. Because what I was going to tell you wasn't something that would break your heart. It was something completely unplanned and stupid on my part, because what I was going to say is that I wanted you too. But you don't need this right now, Zack. You don't need a relationship. You need to get better with yourself and Cody first." she replied, standing up from the couch before walking to the window.

To say I was taken aback, would be an understatement. My heart beat slowed until it was almost non existent and my Adam's apple bobbed quickly making me gasp for air, yet not having any to gasp. I was suffocating on her words. Ironically, something I always wished she'd stay in order to keep me alive, was something that was killing me now.

I wished she would have just said that my philosophies were right, and I was pushing her away by being persistent. That could have made my life make sense again. But fate hated me, like always. I should have been happy, the girl of my dreams professing her love for me, but I was not. Because she was saying that once again time wasn't on our side, and even though she loved me we couldn't be together.

Had I not just said 'if I'm your friend, I'm your friend. If you want more, then I want more'? But what she was saying was that we had to be friends even though she loved me and I-as it has been oh so clear- love her.

My head fell a bit, my hair falling into my eyes, but I didn't dare wipe the strands away. I liked the poking and prodding of the hair. It was like soft needles stabbing my eyes, giving me something else to feel. Something other than my piercing heart.

Her sniffling caused me to look up. And there on the window seal she sat, when just a few moments ago she had been standing. Her legs were tucked under her as she looked out the window, the gleam of the moon shining over her porcelain skin making her look almost angelic. Much like she had that day in the hospital when I woke up. She was after all -no matter how much we fought- an angel to me.

I wouldn't even had known she was crying if it wasn't from her sniffling and the quickened rising and falling of her shoulders. Because she didn't dare look at me. She just sat there, staring out her living room window, not forgetting my occupancy on the couch, but ignoring it.

Sighing, I brushed my hands roughly over my eyes, wiping away any sleep that was threatening to build in my eyes and stood up. I walked shyly to the window seal before placing my hand atop her bare shoulder. I always liked when she wore tank tops, but at that moment it seemed to be the lesser thing on my mind.

Turning her slightly, I tried to get her to face me. But she wouldn't. She kept her head still, even when her body moved slightly. Her head still stood positioned in the same spot. Taking my index finger to her chin, which by now had a couple tear drops resting on it, I tried again. But she still didn't budge. She shook her head out of my reach and stared back outside, sniffling again.

"Maddie, look at me." I said softly. But she didn't. Moving myself quietly, I sat next to her atop the window seal. Not keeping my gaze off of her. "You're wrong you know." I said to her. I watched as she tightened her eyes, allowing a few more tears to drip down her cheeks.

"I don't need to help myself _first_. Because without you, I cant help myself. And I will help myself if you're with me. Because I want to be there for you like you are for me. And I cant be if I'm the way that I am or was, I'm not sure if it's present tense or past yet. But hopefully it will be past. And when it is in the past, it will be kept that way. But not without you. I need you." I said softly, moving my hand to her chin again, to try yet again.

This time, however, she allowed me to move her head towards me. And when she looked at me, I couldn't stand to be any further. Grasping my hand gently behind her head, I pulled her gently to me into a hug.

----------------------------------------

Maddie's POV

I didn't want to allow myself to be close to him. But hearing him and what he said I knew he wasn't lying. And I wanted him too. And I seemed to need him too. I only hoped that he would keep good on his promise by staying away from drugs. Forever.

Nuzzling my head into his chest felt good. Hearing his heartbeat made me realize once again that Zack was alive. Despite what we all thought after two years of missing. Zackary Martin was alive. And though the drugs might have created an illusion of a zombie, he was alive. Alive.

---------------------------------------

Zack's POV

I didn't know what was happening exactly between Maddie and I, but I knew it was a start. A start to the new life that I planned for myself. Planned being an operative word. Because as we all know planning and doing are two completely different things. And we also know that plans usually change in time, for one reason or another.

Right now I _planned_ to quit pushing Maddie away, and allow her to help me. Because now there wasn't a reason to push her away. She loved me. And I her. But what was I going to do about it? That was the question. I couldn't be the man she deserved until I was completely healed. But I also couldn't be completely healed without her help.

_I'm sorry Maddie. For not being what you deserve. I hope it's only temporary. I hope it'll get better in time._

Time. It can bring good things and bad. The question is, will time be good to me?

**(A/N) Hopefully that wasnt boring and hopefully not too confusing. The ending was inspired by the endings of Eureka 7. He always speaks to Eureka even though she cant hear him, so it's basically like he's speaking in his head. Yeah lol. Anyways...hope you guys liked the chapter. I'm sorry for being a complete idiot threatening to take down the story. As long as one person reads and reviews I guess I'll continue. Reviews do make me happy but I'm not writing for them. I had to take a break after my busy last couple of weeks and I decided to write in this one and Open Mic Night. On a Cruise is totally on hiatus, I have no inspiration for it at the time...hopefully it will come soon. It's just getting annoying. I know how the story is going to go, but getting there is the difficult part I suppose. Anyways I've blabbered enough. Thanks for reading so far.**


	16. Painting, Remembering, and Regretting

_Today was a good day_

_It's been a month since Maddie and I had our talk and now our friendship is as strong as ever. Friendship being the operative word, but I'm okay with that. A man in my situation would be ignorant to complain, because in truth I didn't deserve anyone. I let one mishap lead me away from everything that I loved. Everything that I was. Not anymore…._

_I'm in rehab now. Leading myself -one "step" at a time- away from everything that New York did to me. Well, almost everything…._

Face covered with a small facemask, I sprayed the paint effortlessly across the surface that was my wall. Mom, Cody, and I had talked and it was agreed that if I bought some cover paper to paste onto the bedroom wall that I could paint to my hearts desire. So I did. Simple removable wall paper and fifteen paint cans later I had almost created the perfect graffiti room.

Laughing, I moved into the living room before ridding my face of the mask. Mom and Cody had vacated hours ago and refused to come back in until the fumes were gone. I didn't blame them. I hated paint fumes. And I know that may be something that you'd never heard of before, me being a recovering addict. But oddly, I never got into paint fumes. Paint was something I always construed as being a way to seep your artistic mind onto a page, building, body, etc. And it would always remain so. At least to me it would.

I flipped the rubber band on my mask, making it soar through the air until landed on the floor just to the left of the television. The chime of the clock in the kitchen drew my attention to the time. Three pm. I had made great time, I mused to myself. But my amusement was cut short when I remembered my rehab meeting was two hours earlier.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, rushing out of the door after grabbing my jacket.

I ran down the hall, the new carpet springing slightly as my feet blasted forcefully on the surface. My hair moved freely as the wind from my running whipped through it._ I wasn't going to stop until I reached my car_. That was my original thought. However, my plans always seemed to be flushed.

I didn't see it coming. A figure erupted quickly from the elevator, causing me to slam my body forcefully into them. Or should I say her…

Lying on the ground gasping for breath from the air loss of hitting another person, I looked up to see none other than Maddie making her way up to stand. She was fuming. Not from the impact, I gathered, as she pulled me up by my earlobe, causing me to yelp in pain.

"What the hell!?" I demanded as she let go.

"Good question!" she replied, causing me confusion. "Went to see if you wanted to grab some lunch after your meeting…but guess who wasn't there!" she yelled pointing and shoving her demanding finger into my chest.

"Oh." I answered flatly. I was actually about to retaliate and defend myself, but it turned out to be cut from my original answer of "oh".

"Oh?" she asked sarcastically before demanding in a louder tone, "Oh! Oh what!? You aren't cured yet, Zack! And you wont be until your counselor says other wise!"

"I know!" I bellowed. "I know! But it isn't the counselor who decides when I leave! It's me, myself, and I!" I finished, proud that I had stood up for myself, however totally forgetting to say that I didn't mean to miss the meeting in the first place. And that is probably the _last_ thing I should have forgotten, and I knew that for sure when she stomped away down the hall, fuming to herself.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm making sure you didn't make any _mistakes_ when you weren't making your meeting." she said stopping at my suite door.

"Excuse me?" I asked angrily.

"No excuse me and open the door!" she answered heatedly.

"You don't want to go in there. The paint fumes aren't good to someone not used to them." I said making my way up to her. However, as soon as I had spoken I realized, yet another mistake.

"Paint fumes!?" she yelled, shoving me against the suite door. "So you were doing something! I thought you wanted to get on the right track, but I guess I was wrong."

"I didn't mean that! Well, yeah I meant that, but it isn't what you think!" I tried to reason, however she raised her hand to silence me, before stomping away. "So this is it then! You aren't going to let me explain!"

"Do you think you deserve it?" she asked over her shoulder, quietly.

"Yeah, because I didn't do anything. Just cover your mouth and nose with your sweater and come with me." I said, before sliding my key card into my door in stepping in. I didn't know if she was coming in behind me, but I decided to trust that she loved me enough. Enough to just listen. I wanted to trust that she would be there the way that she promised she would, the way that I hoped she would.

And as it would turn out, my trust was not displaced, as I heard her light footsteps behind me. I smirked, before turning back to her. Her sleeve was pulled over her right hand which was over her mouth and nose, guarding herself from the fumes. I grasped her free hand and led her to my bedroom to show her my work.

"Wow, Zack this is amazing!" she exclaimed enthusiastically taking a 360 turn to look at the entire room, her hand flying from her mouth. She moved to touch the wall, but I grasped her hand instead.

"It's still wet." I told her just as her eyes displayed confusion.

"Oh…right." she replied, taking her hand away from the wall, yet still inside of my hands grasp. "You put a lot of thought into this. Your name is above your bed and Cody's is above his." she said eyeing the graffiti names. "But what are the smaller words around the names?"

"Oh. They're words to describe our two years apart." I said glancing to my feet. "Cody and I came up with them together."

"I'm so glad you guys came to an understanding."

"Yeah. Me too." I replied, leading her out of the room and into the living room.

--------------------------

_Fear, shame, dark, broken, alone, nowhere, hate, rage, loss, and tears were among the words on Zack's side. While on Cody's side similar words were written, except for one that seemed to pop out at Maddie; irredeemable. _

Maddie knew how hard of a time Cody had after Zack's disappearance, and she also knew what kind of state he was in when he returned the night after he and Zack's falling out.

Flashback

_CODY'S POV_

_**Last time: I could feel my mouth foam in anguish, as he took the knife out, pulled it back, and struck my chest again, this time digging horizontally. "Sticky, man! That's enough!" Bruner screamed in anguish, almost as if it was he beneath the knife. I could feel the relief in my shoulders as he let me go, before my feet quaked from beneath me, causing me to fall hard onto the tiled floor.**_

_My eyes fluttered open to see myself lying on a red tile floor. I wondered where I was, until I felt a pain sear into my chest as I looked around me. And then It all came rushing back. I wasn't on a red floor. I was on a white floor and it was stained. Stained with my blood._

_The same blood that I shared with my brother, whom I just before caused a similar feeling. A feeling of waking up not knowing why your body is sore, not knowing why you are in such an unfamiliar room lying on the floor, not knowing why you were soaked in a red sticky substance._

_My eyes closed tightly, as the pain shot through again and burned in a searing anguish that caused my eyes to burn hot and my nerves to shake. I didn't know how I was suppose to get up, but I knew I had to try._

_I grasped anything and everything I could until I somehow made it out of the window we entered through. I struggled through the street, my feet feeling as if they weighed eight hundred pounds a piece. My chest burned with the worse pain I could have ever imagined, and I cried every step that I took, my tears burning the brim of my eyes as I did so. But that burning and the closing of my throat were heaven compared to what my chest felt like. And not just from the pain of the knife attack but from the pain in my heart; the pain of loss. The pain that I felt for a reason that I didn't know, but later discovered was because of what I had done just hours earlier resulting in the most horrible loss a twin could go through. The loss of said twin…_

_---------------------------------------_

_I didn't remember collapsing. But when my eyes fluttered open I was surrounded by a white light. I had thought maybe I had died, and the feminine voice that called out to me was an angel, but it was even better than that when I saw my mother hovering over me. It was a sign of normalcy that I had forgotten at some point that night. I had almost forgotten her somehow. The most important person was forgotten for almost an entire night._

_I had been so wrapped up in not dying and saving my own skin, and feeling regret over what I had done to my brother I had forgotten her. I didn't know how that could have happened, maybe if it didn't, things would have been different. If I had remembered her kind nature and her raising, I would have never struck my brother just to save myself. My mother was courageous and I know no one really knew that about her. But she was._

_She went job to job to feed Zack and I. Singing never really paid the bills until she found the job at the Tipton. I admired her for keeping her dream alive, however, she never let her dream effect Zack and I. She always had another job when she was a struggling singer. I knew she hated that, but it's what she had to do. And it's what she did. _

"_Cody!" she gasped loudly, grasping my cheeks in her palms. "They found you on East Street! What happened!? What were you doing out there!? I thought you were in bed!" she yelled frantically, yet she didn't give me a chance to speak as she cradled my head in a desperate hug. That is when I concocted my lie. The lie I would tell her until I spoke to Zack._

_I was on East Street taking a breather not being able to sleep. And then I would tell her how sorry I was for being out so late without telling her. She didn't find any reason to not believe me. So there I was…living with another regret that weighed on my heart. Lying to my mother was never something I enjoyed. It wasn't suppose to be long. I was suppose to just go home and be able to tell Zack how sorry I was and he would forgive me and then I would tell mom everything. Everything. But that's not how it went. _

_She had thought Zack was in the room, and she called out to him and said that she had to go out, but when both of us returned later the next night he was no where to be found. And that is when I knew that he wasn't there. And wouldn't be there._

_Maddie was the only person I ever confided in. She was the only one who knew what an awful person I was for hurting people, not just my brother but the man in the alley and almost the janitor. She was there for me and she made it seem as if it wasn't my fault. And although I knew better, it was always good to feel less guilty. _

_We would meet everyday after school and I would cry more and more each day my brother wasn't found. Oh, Maddie knew. Maddie knew very well what I went through. Because it was she that helped me get a hold on everyday life and it was she who helped me survive each day. She was the person that would never give up hope on Zack and always give a reassuring smile._

_And though she was helpful, she was also not so helpful. See, she always hid what she truly felt. I knew that she felt terrible about Zack's disappearance, and I could tell that she didn't always believe what she was telling me. However, I knew in good time even Maddie's defenses would crumble. And they did. On our 15th birthday._

_----------------------------_

_I came down to the lobby, knowing mom and Moseby had created a sort of party involving most of staff and some guests. I suppose they thought it would help lighten the fact that everyone figured my brother to be dead. It had been months after all. But I knew better. I could feel it. My brother was very much alive._

_As I took the stairs, figuring the walk-if taken with deep meaningful breaths-would help me, I heard sobs just a bit further down. _

"_Zack" was all I heard and it was all I needed to know that it was Maddie's sobs._

"_Maddie?" I called lightly, taking the rest of the steps two at a time until I reached her shaking form. She tried to dry her tears quickly before I saw, but it was too late. "It's okay to cry, Maddie." I said sitting beside her on the stairs just between the first and second floor. Beside her were three gifts and I noticed that two-the larger one and a very small one- was addressed to none other than Zack._

"_I miss him." she said for the first time ever, resting her forehead upon my shoulder allowing the tears to just flow from her eyes. _

"_I know." I replied, allowing my arm to swing lazily over her shoulder._

"_I put all this together months ago, you know." she said gesturing towards the gift with Zack's name on it. It was a rather large gift. Larger than mine by nearly double. "It's a few things. I framed a picture of the two of us in the park back when I babysat you two, and that's one of the things. Another is some personalized guitar picks and finally the big one is a personalized skateboard that I got autographed"_

"_By who?" I asked wondering who it was autographed by._

"_Tony Hawk. London snuck us in his hotel room when he stayed here a while back."_

"_You snuck in his room for…Zack?" I asked in disbelief._

"_Well…yeah…he said they should invent a 'Zack Board' and he guaranteed it would make millions." she replied with a laugh._

"_Yeah he is so conceited" I mused, remembering she had forgotten my initial emphasis on her actions for Zack, "…but that still doesn't answer my question on why you snuck in Tony Hawk's room for Zack."_

"…_I don't…know…I knew he would like it if his board was signed by him…."_

_I think it was a realization for Maddie at that moment. That-even though she said it a million times-Zackary Martin, my twin brother, held an important special place in her heart and her soul. And I think at that moment I knew that his crush, three years in the making, didn't go in vain. Because Madeline Fitzpatrick loved him and something told me that if he was there it wouldn't be so platonic any longer._

_End Flashback_

---------------------------------------

No Specific POV

Remembering back made Maddie remember the birthday gift she never gave him. "Hey Zack?" she said as they sat on the couch.

"Yeah?"

"I have a-" she began however was cut short, by a loud banging at the door.

"Hold that thought." Zack said, jumping up off the couch as the banging got louder "Hold on! I'm coming!" he yelled, becoming irritated.

Just as he peeked through the peek hole, the door blasted open as if it was cardboard. Maddie screamed from her spot on the couch, flipping off and hiding somewhat on the ground but still looking out for Zack, who stood stone still in his spot. But Zack wasn't scared. He knew who this intruder was. And he knew what he wanted.

"Zack, where ya been?" the raspy voice asked.

"Home, Terrence. I've been home." he answered defiantly, eyes narrowing at the intruder. And then Terrence's lip curled into a menacing smile.

"You ran out on me, Zack. How am I s'pose to run a business if my runner who owes me money isn't around?" he asked, walking towards Zack, placing his long slender fingers on his cheek, smoothing them down to his chin. The gentleness soon wore thin though, as his slender fingers squeezed Zack's chin roughly shaking his head harshly before speaking in his raspy tone once more letting spit squirt out from between his teeth, "I'll give you three days to be back in New York, Zack. And in four if you're not back, _I'll _come back _here_. And I wont be so nice."

Terrence's fingers glided over Zack's cheek again only to be brought back and smack him gently, yet not playfully, before he turned back to the now busted door. "One question, Terrence." Zack spoke causing Terrence to stop dead in his tracks. "How come no one's made it up here yet? You were making quite a bit noise."

"Well…when Mac and Brad guard elevators no one gets on, so even if someone called for security they would have to climb the stairs." he replied with a menacing smirk, before turning back to the door, but then stopped once more an said over his shoulder, "Cute friend. I can see why you made a mural of her in New York. Bring her along, too, if you want. Might be nice to have some company in the hotel while you run errands."

Zack's eyes widened, remembering Maddie on the floor. His eyes tightened as Terrence walked out. His jaw clenched wanting to lash out at him for speaking about her like that. But he knew what he meant. He may have only been sixteen, but Zack wasn't an idiot. He knew Terrence didn't want him to bring Maddie. He knew he just wanted to get at him. And he definitely succeeded, because as soon as Zack was sure Terrence was out of earshot, he turned to Maddie.

"I want you to stay with someone tonight." he said to a wide eyed and shocked Maddie.

"What's going on?" she asked slowly, yet frantically.

"That was Terrence, and he always makes well on his promises. I have to go back to New York." he replied regretfully, making his way to her, helping her up.

"But…if you go back…" she started, looking him in the eyes. "You'll go back." he knew what she meant. He would go back to it all. And right now, he wasn't sure, but he knew she was probably right, because he knew that he hadn't made enough progress as his withdrawals were becoming more frequent lately.

"It'll be fine. I'll only go until I work off what I owe him." he replied, pulling her into a hug.

Her warmth enveloped him causing his skin to prickle and his hair to stand on end. It felt blissful. He smiled, feeling her body pressed against his, he only wished he could be closer.

"And how much is that exactly?"

"Well…with the year and a half that I worked for him deducted…I would say…" he started, but his eyes widened at the realization that he had "borrowed" more drugs than ten years of work from Terrence.

"What is it? Is it a lot?" she asked worriedly.

"Well, I worked for a year and a half that's worth around forty-five thousand on Terrence's pay…I owe…" he glanced at his feet, releasing her warming body, as it caused too much bliss than the moment would allow. "Shit…"

"It's a lot, isn't it?" she asked, her eyes glazing over.

"About thirty thousand, give or take a grand."

"Give or take a grand!" she yelled, throwing her hands in the air. "A thousand dollars is a lot of money!"

"Not in _that _world! Did you not hear me, I made seventy-five grand in a year and a half! I was fifteen! Tell me how much you make, Maddie. Not that much I'd be willing to bet. Plus I got paid off commission."

"Yeah, which you spent on drugs! Do you realize what that could have done for your future!" she ranted.

"Yes! I know! But you have to understand that no amount of money matters when an addict needs something to tide them over! They don't care who they hurt! What they do! As long as they get something, anything!" he yelled, slamming himself on the couch, putting his head in his palms letting out sobs mixed with fear and regret.

"What did _you _do to get it?" she asked quietly, sitting beside him. She rubbed the back of his head softly, letting him cry.

"You name it." he replied simply before letting his sobs fall into full on cries. Mostly cries for help. He was scared. He didn't know if he was strong enough to go back to New York. But he knew he had to. It had to be done.

_At least…today was a good day. _

_I'm sorry Cody and Mom. I wanted to succeed. But…it looks like I'm going to have to get another game over in order to restart with the two of you. Let's just hope I'm strong enough without having to restart. Let's hope there's a lot of life left in me._

_Maddie…pray that I'm strong enough…._

**(A/N) Well what did you think? I didnt re read much, but I dont think there were many mistakes. Probably more than I realize. Alright guys, my updates are going to be hectic. But please PM and tell me which story to update next, because I dont know and it'd be a lot of help if I knew which one to update next due to my busy schedule. Seriously basketball right now is killing me, not to mention my school work. Well thanks a lot for reading! Now you can review!**


	17. You Say It Like It's Final

_It had been two days since Terrence's visit. It hurt to think. To think about what I was doing. Was I really about to throw away what I had worked so hard for? A chance at sobriety? Was I about to give it up? _

_No. I wouldn't. At least, that's what I told myself as I boarded the plane to New York. I left without a murmur to Cody and mom, but I left a note with Maddie, and it would only be open if I didn't return in six months. It felt bad not saying goodbye. But I made sure the last time that I saw each of them that I told them I loved them. It was last night at dinner, and I think Cody realized something was wrong._

_Flashback of the night before_

_Zack's POV_

_Finishing up my dinner, I looked up from my plate, which I had been eyeing desperately throughout dinner, hoping I wouldn't have to look up to see the faces of the two who were so familiar… so homey. I wanted anything to happen so I wouldn't have to leave them again, but I knew Terrence, and I knew that the only way out was the way I came._

_Clearing my throat allowed both faces to look towards me. I tried everything to hide the sadness in my eyes, and the fear in my voice. Fear of going back and never returning to the faces which now peered so desperately at me. I thought I was succeeding, until I caught Cody's eyes shimmer like pain._

_----------------------------_

_Cody's POV_

_I could tell something was wrong by the way he had been eyeing his plate throughout dinner, but now I was certain. There was, indeed, something fearfully wrong. I had suspicions of what it might be, but nothing was clear. _

_Seeing his eyes display the sadness that I felt for years after the "occurrence," I was afraid of what had happened. I knew I wouldn't know for sure anytime soon because I could also tell that he was about to lie. Lie so we wouldn't feel his sadness. _

_I knew this feeling all too well. I had done the same by keeping what happened between me and Zack a secret from mom all these years. I wanted to spare her, spare myself from seeing her like that, and spare her from seeing me suffer. Suffer from what I had done to my own flesh and blood. My own twin._

_Remembering all these things that went through my mind as I hid the secrets and lied more to keep them hidden, made my eyes mirror his to a T. I knew the feeling of wanting to say something but knowing in your heart and soul that it was best to keep quiet about it. I knew the feeling of your throat clenching and your heart racing as you spouted another lie to keep yet another secret just that; a secret._

_I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed, knowing how much it probably weighed to him at that moment. I knew that it had to be clenching at his last breath. I watched him swallow hard and tears form on his eyes, yet he did not let them fall, instead he smiled and said something that I know in my heart that I will never forget. _

"_I'm glad I'm back with you two. You make me happy, and I cant wait to get back to normal. I love you both." and when mom eyed him as if to ask why he found the urgency to say that, he simply smiled again and said, "I just thought I'd say that before going to bed. Goodnight to you both."_

_I noticed the finality in the word "goodnight" as if it meant goodbye. I knew then that he was about to do something that he didn't expect to come back from, otherwise his words would not have held such finality. And that is when I felt tears form on my eyes as well as he arose from the dining table and headed off to our room._

_I let out a deep breath before calling out to him as he reached our door. "I love you too, Zack. __**Goodnight.**__" I said with even more finality than him. He nodded without turning, I could tell he was on the verge of tears by his faint nod and slow creep inside the door. I just hoped that the back of his head wouldn't be the last I saw of him._

End Flashback

Walking onto the plane was the hardest thing Zack had ever done… at least so he thought. The real challenge was waiting for him in New York, and although he knew it would be tough… he had no idea exactly _how _tough. Would he fall into the pit of darkness once again? Or would he be holding on to his sobriety as if it were a flashlight as he plunged into that world once again?

_Mom, Cody, Maddie… pray I'm strong enough._

**I REALIZE that this chapter is short! and I'm sooooooo sorry! I want to update all of my stories soon, and most people have been PM'ing me about this one sooo I updated it first. I'm sorry about the lack of updates, I will get back on this stuff. Please keep reviewing, I realize I have kind of left you hanging lately but your reviews will make updates come faster. Especially with summer coming up! YAY FOR ALL! haha... umm... just review, tell me what ya think... and sorry about mistakes in this if there are... i didnt proofread anything!**


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